Elizabeth is navigating the dating world as a DACA recipient while feeling the pressure from her Mexican family to get married and settle down. And Genesis Games, a therapist specializing in helping millennial Latinos manage their romantic relationships, returns to the show to help us decide when and how much personal information to share with a potential partner.
Featured Expert:
Genesis Games is the owner of Healing Connections. She is a bilingual LMHC and specializes in dating therapy, premarital counseling, couples and marriage therapy, heartbreak recovery, and life transitions. She's an advocate for healthy relationships and mental wellness and uses the media to educate a wider audience. Genesis has been a guest on several podcasts, and has also been quoted in dozens of articles, including written pieces for The New York Times, PsychCentral, Bumble, and Bustle. Genesis has also contributed articles to online magazines, including Medium and Thrive Global. She enjoys blogging and is a regular contributor to The Gottman Insitute. Genesis has been listed on Marriage.com's list of best marriage therapists in Miami. Learn more about her work here.
If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to My Divorce, My Parents and Me and When They Want a Wedding and Grandchildren, But You're Not Ready.
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Juleyka Lantigua:
Hi, everybody. Today, I'm speaking with Elizabeth. Elizabeth is a young professional living in LA who is just beginning to date. But her undocumented status is complicating her love life, especially because she feels pressured to find a partner and start a family. Let's get into it.
Elizabeth: So my name is Elizabeth. I was born in Mexico and I came to the US when I was eight. I currently reside in Los Angeles, California. When I was brought to the US I was brought here without papers. And so I currently fall under the DACA program. So I am a DACA recipient. I started dating once I graduated from college and that was when my mom had encouraged me to date. Like, okay, mom, you didn't let me date when I was in high school, but now that I graduated she's pushing me to date. So I opened up, I decided to date this guy that I had met in college. It started getting serious. It got to the point where I had to share my status to him. He did not take it...He basically said, "It all makes sense." And so I was kind of shocked. I didn't know what he meant by that. I think he meant that all I wanted was papers.
I've dated other guys, and yeah they've also had...This other guy had the audacity to tell me, “tú sólo te quieres casar por papeles.” I feel like I've dated many guys. I don't, I am comfortably fine being single. I am not seeking to find someone to marry them just for papers. And I've also had good men come into my life, and this was when I was younger, and they all wanted to have a serious relationship. But at the moment I wasn't ready. I was in college. I was focusing on myself and my education, and I wanted to have a career. And now that I graduated they're all married with kids, so props to them. But yeah, if the only thing I wanted was papers, I feel like I would have been married and had them by now. But that's not what I seek for in a relationship. But it is a challenge. I've questioned timing. Like, when is the right time to tell someone that you're dating about your status? And so I've come to realize that I will no longer share that with someone unless I get to know them really well and we move on to the next step.
I have personally not shared everything with my mom about the struggles that I'm having in dating, but she does know that it is difficult. I did come to a point where I had to tell her that I wasn't going to date someone, or force someone to be with me. And so ever since I made that comment she hasn't asked, you know.
Elizabeth: So my mom did encourage me to date after I graduated college. And I felt like that's when I felt pressured, simply because she was married by 23 and I was already 24. And I felt pressured myself to get married because I was, you know, I'm on a clock. And so that's how I felt. From my family, yeah, I also felt the pressure because at every gathering it was like “¿Y el novio?” You know? And what do you say to that?
My ideal dating scenario would be to meet someone, hopefully it's a young professional like me. And someone who's just humble, hardworking, and accepts me for who I am, and not necessarily takes into account that I am DACA because it does not make me less of a human.
Lantigua: Elizabeth's story is one of the most complex ones we've had on the show so far. Family expectations, immigration status, very real legal risks, suspected hidden agendas. There's so much to unpack.
To help us out, you better believe I called in an expert.
Genesis Games:
I am Genesis Games and I am a private practice owner, a mental health therapist here in Florida. And I primarily work with millennials and gen Zs who are managing relationships. And that may be relationships with parents, that may be adult friendships and most definitely also romantic relationships.
Lantigua: You heard Elizabeth's story.
Games: Yes.
Lantigua What did you hear as you listened?
Games: I heard a few things. I heard like this pressure to date and this pressure to be in a serious committed relationship, this cultural/family pressure to do that. And I also heard some fear and some shame around disclosing her immigration status. And, the reaction or the assumptions that the other person might have just based on her status.
Lantigua: Is this something you see among your clients?
Games: Yes. I would say definitely the part of disclosing status or disclosing anything that you may fear you're going to be judged based on that. Right? And that someone may just not take the time to actually get to know you because of that initial judgment. And then definitely the pressure of being in committed more long-term serious relationships, especially in our LatinX community. It can be pretty intense and it can create a lot of stress for young folks.
Lantigua: All right. So let's talk about the first one, which is the pressure from family and Latino culture. How do you advise your clients to deal with those conversations?
Games: I think it's important for them to understand that the reality of our generation, millennials, gen Zs, is very different from that of our parents. Now, these days, millennial couples face a lot of different challenges. You know, both members of the couple are usually interested in higher ed. They're interested in pursuing more competitive careers, therefore dedicating more time and energy to that aspect of their life. Also, there's a lot of like moving around and not necessarily being able to settle until maybe you're more settled in your career, to then be able to settle in your personal life. There is high rent, high mortgages. Everything's a lot more expensive, like the cost of living, it's a lot more expensive. So when you're thinking about bringing children into the world, or, you know, having this very big Hispanic wedding, it may not just be affordable when you're 22, even if you found someone. So I think understanding that, and then trying to have a conversation with our parents, helping them see that their reality is not our reality. And so the goals that we have, we can't achieve them doing the same things they did. Holding the same expectations is not realistic. And it's just leading us to feel like failures when we're not.
Lantigua: So let's talk about the other really important part of Elizabeth's story that complicates dating for her, which is her DACA status. Is this something that you also come across with your clients, and what are the complications around this issue that make something, that would otherwise be mundane, like dating, much more difficult?
Games: I definitely see it. I think a lot of people would just say like, honesty is the best policy in these situations. And I think that's the easy answer. And it's not that honesty is not the best policy, but it is a complicated situation. We unfortunately do live in a world where there's a lot of discrimination.
And so I think, you know, we have to be mindful when we disclose this kind of information. It's personal information, and it's information that can be used against someone. I'm thinking if she is maybe dating a classmate, right? What about if this classmate just kind of divulges this information to the entire class and this in some way, shape or form negatively impacts her experience in college? Or, what about if this is in a work setting? I do think honesty is the best policy, but I think we still have to be mindful of our own safety, right, when disclosing this information.
Games: So I think it is important to be honest, and it is important to let that other person know what your situation is. Not just so that they don't doubt your intentions, but also because it is a big deal. If I am beginning to develop feelings towards someone and there might be a possibility that this person might not be able to remain in the country, this is something that I should know, and then I should be able to make a decision about how I want to move forward. Right? It also gives me the opportunity to provide them support. If I don't know that they're struggling with this, and I don't know what may be happening behind the scenes, as far as your immigration process, I can't possibly offer my support, however I may be able to offer that support.
Lantigua: Let's talk a little bit more practically because there are very sort of like clear stages in dating. The first date, the first kiss, meeting the parents, going for a long weekend, attending a friend's wedding, right? And all of these signify the depth of the commitment in the relationship. So is there an ideal time, a better time, a less awkward time, in the dating trajectory to disclose this information?
Games: I would definitely do it within the first couple of dates. So before we are meeting parents, before we're going on a weekend trip, before we're moving in, before we're doing any big milestone, right? Anything that can signify, we're moving a little bit closer to each other, or moving into something more serious, I would definitely provide that information.
I don't necessarily know that you need to do it in the first date, because again, in a first date, unless you've known this person from somewhere else, you probably don't know too much about them. And you may not know if they're a safe person to share this information with, right? So that first date, you're kind of trying to figure out your point of views, their views on immigration, just their world view overall to see if they're a safe person to disclose this information. But like by date three, four, you should have more or less an idea.
Lantigua: Okay. So I love the idea of kind of like poking around asking pointed questions. So what are some, either questions or topics, that we can more casually bring up that might give us some insight as to where the person might land on the issue of the DACA status, for example?
Games: Yeah. I think like 2020 and everything that has happened since then probably helps because there's been just so many current events that you can poke on, and just ask. Like, “Oh, so, how do you feel about the fact that they're blaming immigrants for the COVID surge in the border?” Right? You might talk about some of the political stuff that have been going on, and that might give you a little bit of an inkling as well as where they stand. So I would definitely ask questions regarding current events and just kind of hear them out and see where they're going with it.
Lantigua And what would you suggest to parents who have children like Elizabeth who are in this dilemma of dating while being undocumented, or while working on regularizing their status? How can parents be supportive of what's going on with their children?
Games: I think removing the pressure from dating. When your child feels pressured, and then they're also facing this obstacle in dating, it just adds on to that pressure and to that stress, and to that feeling of like, they're stuck and they're not really moving forward in life, when they're probably doing just fine in every other area of their life, right? Like they're going to school, they're doing well in school, they have a good job, they're doing well for themselves. But if we're hyper-focusing on dating, that can lead to a lot of self doubts and that can lead to a lot of like self blaming, and just a very negative perception of oneself for something that is outside of their control. Right? We can't control when we meet the right person, we can control everything about relationships. And we most definitely can not control how fast our immigration process goes, and whether we get to stay or not. It's such a complex situation and everyone's situation is so unique.
Lantigua: Is there anything that I just haven't asked you, because I didn't know to ask, that you'd like to share that is relevant, that is helpful, useful to folks like Elizabeth, who are trying to get some guidance about how to best approach this?
Games: Yeah. I would definitely say to go with your intuition. If someone doesn't feel safe, if you feel hesitant, if you've spoken to them for a while, if you've been going on a couple of dates and like there still is hesitancy to speak up and disclose your status, then that's probably a sign.
Follow your intuition. It's telling you something. And also the other person's reaction. It's also very telling about the kind of person that they are. Right. So it might take someone a back, it might shock them a little bit, maybe that's not what they were expecting. Like, “I didn't expect you to give me this information, I need a second to take it in and process it.” But that's different from having a negative reaction. And so I think making space for them to ask questions, to be curious. Because again, if this relationship does evolve to something more serious, you're status affects them, right? It affects the plans they can make with you. It affects what their life, their future is going to look like.
But if there's a negative reaction, that tells you a lot about the person. A negative reaction would be blaming you for wanting to, having ulterior motives when it came to dating. It would mean insulting you. It would mean using racial slurs. It would get ugly, right? So it's not about you trying to convince them, it's more about you taking in that reaction as valuable information that they're not accepting. They are maybe racist. They're not flexible. They're not interested in understanding and getting to know you for who you are. They're just kind of taking your status and making that your identity. And that just speaks very poorly about them. And that's not someone you would want to build a long lasting relationship with anyways.
Lantigua Thank you for that. Are there any resources online or elsewhere that you would recommend where people can get more information, more guidance, maybe find like-minded people, community that they can share their experiences with?
Genesis: Yeah, so I would definitely seek support groups. And a lot of times you can find these on college campuses, or you can find them online of like young LatinX professionals, first generation LatinX college students. I would definitely seek community because it's very likely that other people in these groups are going through something similar to you. And so the groups may, may not be undocumented LatinX seeking, you know, to date. It might not be as specific as that, but you're probably, they're probably going to be other ones that are facing similar difficulties, or that have faced similar difficulties in the past that can share with you their experiences, and that can support you in this process.
Lantigua: Beautiful. Thank you so, so much for coming on again.
Genesis: My pleasure. It's always so fun.
Lantigua: All right. Let's recap what we learned from Genesis.
Understand the risks. Be aware of the potential impact of disclosing personal information in your particular situation. Doing so can help you assess the likelihood of negative events, or negative consequences, and can also help you manage your safety.
Ease into it. Before sharing anything about your status start with broader questions to gauge their opinion on current events, or political developments. Be receptive, because their answers might clue you in about how they would react to your situation.
And remember, evaluate their reaction. Whether it's positive or negative, how they react can help you to better understand them and to decide if there's actually a future for you in this relationship.
Thank you so much for listening and thank you for sharing us. How to Talk to Mami and Papi About Anything is an original production of LWC studios. Virginia Lora is the show's producer, Kojing Tashiro is our mixer, Manuela Bedoya is our social media editor, Cedric Wilson is our lead producer, Jen Chien is our executive editor, Jimmy Gutierrez is our managing editor. And the creator and host Juleyka Lantigua. On Twitter and Instagram we're @talktomamipapi. Please follow us and rate us on Apple podcasts, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Good Pods, or anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
Bye everybody, same place next week.
CITATION:
Lantigua, Juleyka, host. “Dating While Undocumented.”
How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] About Anything,
LWC Studios, September 6, 2021. TalkToMamiPapi.com.