On this episode of our food-and-family series our friend Manuela tells us all about how in her Colombian family food is a love language, and how guilty she feels saying “no” when she doesn’t want to eat something a loved one made. And Lisa Jimenez, a therapist specializing in body and eating related issues, returns to the show to help us manage well-intentioned food pushers.
Featured Expert:
Lisa Jimenez is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor based in South Florida who specializes in eating disorders, mood disorders, anxiety, trauma, and family dynamics. A Miami native, Lisa graduated from the University of Miami with a Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling. She has worked in a variety of settings including a residential eating disorder treatment center, a court-mandated outpatient substance abuse program, and outpatient services in a private practice setting. Through her clinical work and experience, Lisa has gained extensive knowledge in working with children, teens, adults, and families. Her technique blends evidence-based practices such as CBT, DBT, ACT, and psychodynamic theories. Learn more about her work here.
If you loved this episode, listen to Cooking for a Loved One with Special Dietary Needs and When Relatives Always Comment on Your Body.
We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to hello@talktomamipapi.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And follow us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
Juleyka Lantigua:
Hi everybody. Today we continue with our holiday series exploring the tensions that come up when food and families mix. We're featuring our colleagues and friends at LWC Studios for the series, and they've been so generous by coming on the show to share their personal experiences with their loved ones.
On the proverbial hot seat today we have Manuela. Manuela is one of our beloved former colleagues. She moved to the US from Colombia as a child, and food has always been a way for her to connect with her family and her culture, which is why sometimes a simple thing like declining a meal prepared by a relative or simply admitting she doesn't like something gets very complicated for her. Let's get into it.
Manuela: My name is Manuela Bedoya. I live in New Jersey. I moved here from Colombia when I was just six years old. I am a former employee of LWC Studios. Growing up, I called my mom and dad, mami and papi. I grew up in a very tight-knit family. We've always been very connected. Every weekend we would all get together, all my cousins, all my aunts or my uncles. Food especially has been something that has brought our family together. Being Colombian and being from a Latino family, food is basically our love language. It is basically sacred to us and evokes very, very deep feelings. Over the summer I went to Cartagena, which is the coastal part of Colombia. My aunt lives there. She's retired, and so she lives in this beautiful building in front of the beach. She loves to cook for us. That's basically what she does to welcome us, to show us her love.
So every day she prepared a different plate that was native to Cartagena, and a lot of them I had never, ever eaten in my life. And so in one specific day, she cooked this soup that was made with cheese and onions. I love soup, but that in particular, that combination was something that I was a little bit skeptical of. I knew that I didn't want to eat it, but I knew that I had to eat it. And this isn't because I felt forced. It's more of like because I wanted to show respect to my aunt. Cooking is a way for our family to show love, and I felt like me not eating the food that she had prepared for us was me basically dismissing that love and saying that I don't want it. I also think that food is one of the greatest joys that there is to enjoy as a human being and in the human experience.
Manuela: So if I'm eating something that I dislike and everybody else is enjoying it and connecting around it and talking about how delicious it is, I think it makes me feel a little bit left out and maybe somewhat of what's wrong with me? Why don't I also enjoy it like everybody enjoys it? Am I not Colombian enough? And so I did end up eating the cheese soup. I did not like it, no. But I still was like, what is this? I wanted to learn more about it. Where did it come from? How did you learn how to cook it? And so I was trying to kind of deviate the conversation away from me, and then I kind of tapped my fiancé on the shoulder and asked him if he could eat my plate, which he refused. So I had to eat my plate, and I thanked my aunt and I told her it was really delicious.
This experience is something that is not new. I've pretty much grew up all my life, and still in my adult life, this happens to me. I have previously said no to food that my aunts have offered me, and I have realized that, that really, really hurt their feelings. And so that's why I avoid it. I would be insulting whoever made the food, or in Spanish, there's a word called “despreciar.”. So it's basically like saying you're not thankful for it or ungrateful for it. So this is something that was ingrained on me as part of my culture. This person slaved in the kitchen for you to be able, this person has very little money, yet they went out and bought this to prepare for us. This person spent all their entire day cooking to welcome us.
A few years ago, one of my aunts came from Colombia, and she prepared a huge traditional Colombian breakfast for my friend who was visiting from Georgia at the time. Pan de bonos, empanadas, buñuelos, sancocho and chorizo and all that for breakfast.
And when my friend woke up, she was like, I want bagels. And so she just really wanted bagels because she lives in Georgia and they don't have bagels in Georgia. And my aunt she was preparing this traditional breakfast for us, and I came outside and I told her, no, we're not going to eat her. And she's like, "But why? I made all this for you." And I'm like, because she wants bagels. I just brushed it off and left, but I realized that my aunt was really, really upset. And I always think about that instance and I was like, wow, I was so hurtful and mean. But if the third person were to see this situation, they'd be like, no, you weren't. You were just like, you want bagels, you don't want that. You want this. I just feel so bad and I still feel really bad. I feel guilty that I made her feel like that.
Lantigua: I was not at all surprised as I listened that Manuela was so conflicted. She is an incredibly thoughtful and considerate person. I just wanted to hug her. I just wanted to be like, it's okay girl. It's okay. You don't have to eat the onion and cheese soup. But her experience absolutely resonated with me. I see my kids struggling with this a lot because doing this is to family, extended weekends, holiday celebrations. There's a lot of food that they're not eating every day. So I have a lot of feelings about this kind of conflict that comes up. And I think it comes up for a lot of us first gens. Saying no to our relatives is never easy and it is especially complicated and emotionally charged when food is involved. Why is that? And how can we ease the tension at the dinner table without completely betraying ourselves. To help us through this I did what I always do, I called in an expert.
Lisa Jimenez: I'm Lisa Jimenez, she/her pronouns. I am a licensed mental health professional, so essentially a therapist in Miami in private practice. One of the things I'm most passionate about and is a big chunk of my work is body and food related issues.
Lantigua: Welcome back to the show.
Jimenez: Thanks for having me.
Lantigua: And one of our favorite quotes from Lisa is, "BMI's bullshit."
Jimenez: That's right. That's right. I forgot about that.
Lantigua: Oh, we have not. We quote it often.
Jimenez: Good.
Lantigua: But let's start where we always start, which is what did you hear as you listened to Manuela's story?
Jimenez: A lot of insight. She had a good grasp on it. Just kind of the idea of what food means in Latin cultures, food as love, and how hard it can be to turn that down because it can be perceived in not the best light. And I just heard somebody who felt a little bit stuck, like okay, well, what do I do with this? Especially when she brings in the scenario of the friend. Even I noticed in my body, I was like, ooh, I don't envy her.
Lantigua: That was tricky. But it was so recognizable and familiar to me. That weird intersection where just your personal preferences can appear to be in conflict or to put you in conflict with your family, with your culture, with beloved practices. And that can be a really uncomfortable intersection to hit, especially when you're considered quote unquote, younger in your family. If you're older, you can get away with having more preferences and just with basically say no. So let's talk a little bit about that weird intersection because it was just about preference. She didn't like the cheese soup. Lisa, what's the big deal with not liking the cheese and onion soup?
Jimenez: If only it were so simple Juleyka. It's funny you were talking about the age piece, and I was thinking about that as I listened to it. And then funny enough, I decided, you know what let me have a conversation with my mom about this and kind of get her take. Oh my God, it was hilariously a disaster. I was like, no, mom, you are no help at this, like whoa. But we were talking about the difference in our generation. I'm like my siblings, my cousins, and those of us that were born in the US that are very much Americanized, that we are a lot less attached to this narrative of food is love.
Lantigua: Yeah.
Jimenez: And I give you an example of I don't get offended if I go to feed my friend and she doesn't want whatever I've made or prepared. I might be just like, oh, whatever. That's annoying. But it doesn't feel like a personal attack to me. To me, it's like a direct correlation with degenerations, like turning down food to my grandmother is the hardest.
Lantigua: Yes.
Jimenez: Then to my tías is a little less hard, then to my siblings like I don't care, get upset.
Lantigua: And neither do they. So I just, I'm trying to understand and I'm actually trying to get us to the point where we can figure out a healthy way to separate the love that I feel for my tía with the fact that maybe I don't like her soup.
Jimenez: Yeah, that's the tricky part. On the one hand, we don't want to just go along with everything that we don't actually agree with. I think it just depends on the person and what they can do, what feels right for them. To me, I guess, I think it's experimenting. I think we need to play with the middle ground because tampoco we want to be so blunt with our family members and I don't know, there's some things that just they don't need to know. When my grandfather sent me home with okra I didn't have the heart to tell him, I hate okra. I'm not going to eat this. But guess what? I went home and I gave it to my mom because she likes it.
Call it little white lie or just kind of going along with it. I think the most important thing is that you're honoring yourself. If you really can't do something that feels like completely wrong to you and now that you're disrespecting your own body, well then I don't think that's the answer for that person. And you really can't stomach it, then you can't stomach it and clarify to them. We also don't need to over complicate matters. It might be as simple as telling your tía, I adore you and I appreciate everything that you put into this, but I just don't like whatever ingredient it is.
Lantigua: Yeah. I try to redirect and I'm like, you know what I love that you make this other thing. Can you make that? And I try to pick things like tostones, which is cut up a plantain, throw it in some oil and you're done. Something simple to redirect their need to show love with food and your need to eat something. But if it's like a big family function I will make a request ahead of time.
Jimenez: Genius.
Lantigua: Especially with my older, older tías who are much older than my mom, the venerated, matriarchs in the family, they each have a specialty dish so that anytime they're trying to feed me something else, I'm like, oh no, I'm just going to have thirds and fourths and fifths of this other thing that you made that is so good.
Jimenez: I love that idea of getting creative. Okay, make me this other dish. Or what she said in the recording, which I really liked. She started to ask about the preparation of it and connecting with her family. Because at the end of the day, what this is about is connection. They want to connect with you and there are other ways to do it that aren't necessarily having the food. You could connect with them through physical touch and hugs or through hearing about other stories or having the food honestly. Sometimes it's like, can you just have a bite or two just to try it and tell them like, "Hey, thank you. I'm going to take it home with me and have it later."
Lantigua: I want to go back to something that hurt my feelings because I heard echos of it in different parts of my life, which is Manuela said, "Well, am I not Colombian enough?"
Jimenez: I heard that, yeah.
Lantigua: Why don't I like this? This is the traditional regional dish that obviously everybody else here enjoys. Am I not Colombian enough? What do you make of that?
Jimenez: I mean, for starters, I get it. That's probably a really relatable notion the many Latinx young people sit with. What I kind of wanted a remind her of, or what I was thinking about was who you are and who you expect yourself to be are two different people. The context of her family and them growing up with those foods and being familiar with certain dishes, that's wonderful, but that's not what she grew up with. It's just a different context. I just don't think it's fair to always compare ourselves and it's just a reminder to ourselves to be gentle on ourselves and who we are and the person that we've become is who we're meant to be. What works for us is not necessarily what works for the person next to us. And she is Colombian in all the ways that she feels she's Colombian and she is Colombian.
Lantigua: Yeah. The other thing that I find frustrating honestly, is that then stories get told about you. The tía network or the cousin network gets activated. Oh, but I heard that you were at tía's house and you didn't even try the soup. So should we not cook with onion or with cheese? I found that very frustrating in my visits back and forth to the Dominican Republic where I'm from. As a teenager people would have told these stories about what my supposed likes and dislikes were based on preferences and choices that I made when I was 15 or 17.
Jimenez: Not to oversimplify it, but my answer to that is, so what? So what if they say something. People talk and I don't know, it might be their own stuff. We don't need to internalize it. We do not need to take it on, tía, abuela, whatever, bisabuela was having some strong reaction. People can have a reaction and we don't need to get attached to their reaction. We can take care of ourselves. I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes even just putting your hand on your chest and breathing like, okay, I know I'm going to be okay. This is part of her belief system, her culture, and I know I love her, and that's as far as it goes.
Lantigua: That all sounds really, really great. I'm at the point in my life now where I feel much more free from those types of social cultural obligations. I try to be polite and caring in how I express those things, but it's also tricky now because I have to do it on behalf of my young children. I have American born children who did not grow up eating Dominican food, and so now when we go to family functions I have to do a lot of translating of, well, he never grew up eating that. He doesn't know what's in that. So that just adds another layer of complexity because obviously you want your children to be loved and accepted and embraced, but you also want them to eat something.
Jimenez: It's not an easy situation to be in. It can feel really stressful. Give yourself a little extra compassion in that moment. And I guess the last thing I'll say is experiment with it. Because even as you were talking about your kids, maybe one family member is more receptive to the explanation and almost like the justification of this is why, but somebody else might not be as receptive to that. And maybe you want to keep it simple with them. No, just not today or no, we have other plans to eat. You got to play with it and see what works. If it's taking food home, if it's having a bite, if it's no and no means no and sticking to that, it's up to you what feels right to you and it's that relationship. I almost wish it was like a formula we could say like do X, Y, and Z, but that's just not life.
Lantigua: I know. Lisa, you're a gem. Thank you so much for being back.
Jimenez: My pleasure. It's been really enjoyable. Thank you for having me.
Lantigua: All right, let's recap what we learned from Lisa.
Stand in your truth. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with what you want, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you don't want. Your likes and dislikes are perfect for you, even if they're different from what your family wants, and even if they're different from what you thought you would want or what you think you should want. Just sit in your truth.
Let people talk. Don't own someone else's reaction to your taste or preferences. Their opinions or criticisms have probably more to do with them than with you.
And remember, get creative. Find ways to connect and show your love without forcing yourself to eat stuff you don't want to eat. If you don't like the food, pack a to go bag for other relatives or pivot the conversation to something you actually enjoy. Ask about recipes or origin stories and always, always center the relationship, not the food.
Thank you for listening, and thank you for sharing us. How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] about Anything is an original production of LWC Studios. Virginia Lora is the show's producer. Tren Lightburn makes this episode. I'm the creator, Juleyka Lantigua. On Twitter and Instagram we @talktomamipapi. Bye everybody. Same place next week.
CITATION:
Lantigua, Juleyka, host. “Feeling Pressured to Eat What Loved Ones Cook”
How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] about Anything,
LWC Studios., December 19, 2022. TalkToMamiPapi.com.