When we met her, Louise was overwhelmed by how her Vietnamese-Chinese family relied on her for translation and administrative help. She comes back to speak candidly about creating better boundaries with her mom, sharing responsibilities with her brother, and managing her feelings around it all.
If you loved this episode, listen to Louise's original episode, How to Get Help When You're the Designated Translator.
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Juleyka Lantigua:
Hi everybody. This week, we're checking in with more OGs. Today, I'm talking to OG Louise. Her episode aired on July 6th, 2020. Here's a clip.
Clio: I had originally called in because I was so frustrated at my mom because recently, she got furloughed from her job because of the pandemic and we needed to apply for unemployment insurance for her, so we did and, I mean, it was a whole frustrating process of, first of all, the unemployment office was not ready for the unprecedented amount of applications for unemployment and it leaves a lot of people in the dark, especially people like my mom who doesn't know how to use computers, doesn't know English. So, they would rely on other people to help them out with these situations. So, basically, I kind of was attacking this unemployment portal as often as possible to try to get her application in, to get her payments...
Lantigua: When Louise came on the show last year, she shared her feelings about being the designated translator in her Chinese-Vietnamese family and she said that she felt a little bit burdened by having to help her mom with a bunch of administrative tasks. So, a year later, I wanted to see how things have been going. Let's get into it.
Louise: My name Louise To. I am from Honolulu, Hawaii. And, the last time that we talked, we kind of went over how I was serving as my mom's translator and at the same time trying to manage my own feelings about being someone that she relies on to kind of manage her administrative and paperwork duties that she has.
Lantigua: So, what struck you when you listened to your episode?
Louise: I heard my own frustration and then my anxiety and I... I don't know if I was sympathizing with myself. I was like, “oh, poor me.” But, yeah. It was just... I just realized that I'm still kind of working on that frustration, those feelings of feeling anxious about helping my mom and things like that.
Lantigua: Did anyone else in your family listen to the episode? Your brother? Your mom?
Louise: No, because I'm actually kind of scared to tell them that I have been sharing our family stories. I feel like they are going to be like, "You don't need to be telling the world about our problems."
Lantigua: Yeah.
Louise: And, I did not share with them and I don't plan to.
Lantigua: Okay.
Louise: Just because sometimes, I feel like I need to sort out my feelings about them separately.
Lantigua: Mm-hmm (affirmative)-
Louise: And, sharing with them may not be the best route to solving my own problems.
Lantigua: Agreed. I totally agree. No, everybody does it differently. Some people do. Some people don't. But, of course, the big question for our convo today is, has anything changed? Have you made any changes since we talked?
Louise: I would say that the translation and administrative duties are more or less the same, but maybe what's changed is that I'm a little bit better at compartmentalizing my feelings about it. I think it's the feelings that make it even more challenging. It's like feeling like I need to resolve all these things for my mom and feeling worried about. I think nowadays, I try to just see it as a task that doesn't need emotions attached to it so that it doesn't distract me further or it doesn't set me back. I think I kind of... Trying to isolate those feelings helps.
Lantigua: Mm-hmm (affirmative)-
Louise: So, recently, I went home. I went home because my grandpa passed away, unfortunately.
Lantigua: Oh, I'm sorry.
Louise: From COVID. Yeah. It's okay. You know, he lived a long life. He was 96. Anyway, so, he passed away and I went home and I was also sorting out a bunch of things regarding my mom's unemployment. So, her unemployment benefits ended, but for my mom, whose... She's 65. Her papers don't say she's 65, but, I mean, what other countries keep papers as tight as the United States?
Lantigua: Right.
Louise: But, so, she's 65 and I felt like I would just rather her retire at that point because finding a job for her, it's challenging. Like, the most that she can, at this point in her life, do is retail. And so, you know, she really wanted to just be called back from being furloughed from her job, but the call hadn't come and so, we were trying to figure out what to do because we also needed to make sure she had some form of health insurance, whether it's through Medicaid or Medicare. And so, we were going towards retirement. But then, her company did call her back to work, which is good, but also I had kind of prepared myself to be excited for her to retire and maybe I wanted to enroll her in English classes. And also, computer literacy classes. So, I was excited to help her kind of gain more skills and go back to school. But, you know, if... For her, I think she feels like she should work so she can produce money so that she is less of a financial... For her, she feels like it would be... She would be less of a financial burden if she continued to work. So, I don't blame her and it does kind of solve health insurance worries. All in all, we're going to see how she manages as she's returned to her position at work.
Lantigua: So, did this impact your role as someone who has been giving her translation and administrative support?
Louise: Well, so, whenever... Whenever my mom has problems at work, she usually pulls me into it and I kind of have to write incident reports for her. Those are the moments where it's like I feel like... Like, whenever my mom calls, I'm always worried that it's like a fire that I need to put out for her, and that's what I'm saying when it's like I'm trying to compartmentalize my feelings a little bit better so that I don't let that affect my being able to help her when she needs me to.
Louise: Like, yesterday, she called me and was... There was some tech issues that she was not understanding with her phone and I was not understanding her, but I think eventually we figured it out. It was just like, you know, more of the navigating these moments of, okay, she needs help. Is it an emergency? Is it not? And, how do I help her without me getting freaked out and her getting further freaked out?
Lantigua: So, have you considered or have you talked to your brother about him getting more involved?
Louise: You know, he's like handling... We talked about it before, where like, he handles like in person things. Like, he'll help her with shopping and other things, but... And, I help her with whatever can be helped from at a distance. We're tackling it and I don't want to put more on him just because I try to be someone who carries my weight and sometimes I feel like I can carry a lot or I set the standard for myself to carry a lot for my family. So, I don't feel like it's my place to ask him to do more.
Lantigua: That's really interesting. No. I'm just saying it out loud because I'm the oldest sibling. I'm the oldest child for my mom and I deal with the exact same balance. It's like, how much can I take on and at what point am I comfortable with delegating?
Louise: And, you know, I do. You're right. Sometimes, I know that I... Like, I can't do something for her. I'll ask my brother. So, I feel like we work together on this. It's nice that we have similar sentiments about how to support my mom, even though sometimes it's like... My brother's like, "Oh, you're not here." And, so, he has to handle more immediate things for her than I can. But, I'm lucky to have a brother who also holds it upon himself to carry as much burden as he can with me…..Maybe I'll ask him to carry more emotional burden.
Lantigua: Yes.
Louise: Because, I know he ain't doing that.
Lantigua: Absolutely.
Louise: Yeah. Yeah.
Lantigua: And, what about your mom? Is she doing anything to be more sort of like self-sufficient when it comes to these things?
Louise: Yeah. So, I... You know, I think she's aware that she will try to do as much as she can on her own and if she can't, then she can pull in my brother and I to support her, so... But, I think she's aware. She's aware that it can be tough for me and my brother when she needs so much support.
Lantigua: Parents, man. Parents.
Louise: I know. I feel you. We had a... Her fridge broke and she was like, "No. I'll just deal with it." I'm like, "No. Your food is going to rot. And, you're going to eat something that's going to make you sick and then it's going to be even more problems for me.So, we're getting a new fridge." I don't know. Maybe they feel like it'll save money in the end, but, I mean, I don't know.
Lantigua: I know. I know. I mean, that’s never gonna change. Because they don't want... They need you but they don't want to inconvenience you and you're just like, "It's not possible to have both things, Mom." It is an inconvenience. I'm happy to do it, but it is an inconvenience, so let's just be okay. And, let's make the inconvenience...
Louise: Efficient.
Lantigua: Exactly!
Louise: Right? Like, come on, Mom. A fridge. It's a fridge.
Lantigua: Right.
Louise: You need it.
Lantigua: Right. Yeah. I know. Anyways. But, is there anything that I haven't asked you that you feel you want to share? Anything about how you've made progress with this issue? I mean, you definitely are not as P'd off as you were last time, so I'm happy to hear that.
Louise: Yeah. I guess maybe it's just the day. I don't know. You caught me on a calmer day, I don't know. But, I... Maybe I'll just say that I'm maybe... I'm trying... You know, for the longest time, I've been trying to set better boundaries with my mom. And, you know, I think maybe I've seen myself be a little bit more clear about saying no to her when I need to. Like, when it's not super... My mom asks us... Like, all our moms ask us to do a lot of things. And, some are necessary for survival and some are not. And so, I feel like I'm better at kind of analyzing the demands that my mom makes of me and deciding, okay, is this something that I can comfortably and feasibly be like, no, I'm not doing this, Mom? And, I think I've gotten better at that. So, I just hope I continue to improve.
Lantigua: Thank you so much for coming on. So, so good to catch up with you. Thank you for coming back on the show.
Louise: Thanks for having me, Juleyka.
Lantigua: Louise's original episode is called How To Get Help When You're the Designated Translator. You can find it in our feed and on our website and we've linked to it in the episode notes. Thank you for listening and for sharing us. How To Talk to Mamí and Papí About Anything is an original production of LWC Studios. Virginia Lora is the show's producer. Kojin Tashiro is our mixer. Manuela Bedoya is our social media editor. I'm the creator, Juleyka Lantigua. On Twitter and Instagram, we're at Talk to Mami Papi. Please follow us and rate us on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. Bye everybody. Same place next week.
CITATION:
Lantigua, Juleyka, host. “OG Check-in: Designated Translator Is Learning to Say 'No'”
How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] About Anything,
LWC Studios., December 20, 2021. TalkToMamiPapi.com.