When we spoke last year, Vanessa had just informed her parents she was taking a leave of absence from her physician associate program. She returns to speak with Juleyka about the self- discovery she experienced while getting clarity around career choices, and the steps she took to shift her relationship with her parents during her time off.
If you loved this episode, listen to Vanessa's original episode Taking a Break from School, Then Telling Her Parents.
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Juleyka Lantigua:
Hi, everybody. For the next few episodes, we're bringing you another installment of our OG Check-ins the occasional series where we speak to some of our OGs, original guests, about how things have been going since we first had them on the show. Today, I'm checking in with OG Vanessa. Vanessa's episode first aired on August 16th, 2021. Here's a clip.
Clip: My mom, she doesn't want to admit it, but she compared me a lot with other family members to the point where she one time said, "Oh, you can't be the black sheep of a family so you have to show everyone that you can do it," basically. She freaked out. I told her straight up I didn't sugar coat it. I said, "Hey, I'm taking leave of absence. These are the reasons why," and she said, "Oh Vanessa, but you already signed the paperwork and why?"
I said, "Because I want to enjoy my schooling. I want to enjoy the process of becoming a PA," and I was not enjoying it.
Lantigua:
When we met her, Vanessa was in grad school starting to become a physician associate and had just decided to take an academic break. Taking this leave of absence and telling her parents about it had been a very difficult decision, so for our OG Check-in, I wanted to know what her time away from school had been like. We spoke with her in April of this year, just as her break was coming to an end. Let's get into it.
Vanessa: So, hi, my name is Vanessa. I continue to reside in the beautiful state of Maine. Last episode, we talked about taking a leave of absence from my graduate program in my physician associate studies and how I talked to Mami and Papi about that.
Lantigua: And did you take your break?
Vanessa: I did take my break. It was about a year of a break. I'm still on that break currently. I begin the semester in May 25th roughly of this year. I'm very excited, a bit nervous, anxious, a little bit of everything, but most of all, I'm really looking forward to it.
Lantigua: So what's been the break like? What did you do? What helped you to sort of get back into the zone where you're excited to go?
Vanessa: Mm-hmm. At first I took a couple of weeks to think about what happened and feel that weight off my shoulders, just off, completely off. Afterwards, I started looking into what I wanted to do and I mentioned that I really loved animals. So I thought, "Well, maybe I should consider another ... Becoming a vet or a vet assistant. Maybe PA is not the best thing, maybe medical school." I just had a lot of questions that were still unanswered so I did a bit of research and it was super clear that physician associate continued to be the same path. I was still decided on that path. I was still on that path.
Lantigua: Oh, that's great.
Vanessa: Yes, it was just, "Okay. This is what I was meant to do, meant to be now I have to find that, I guess, that niche of what in the PA field I want to be in."
Lantigua: Did you figure that out too?
Vanessa: I did. I also, during that break, I actually did quite a lot. I started working for a community clinic in the city of Portland where I work in infectious diseases. Most of our patients were either Hep A, B, or C and HIV positive. I learned a lot about the public health sector and most of these patients were immigrants from Africa, so they did not speak English. Most of them spoke Lingala, French, or Kinyarwanda. I also learned a lot about more in depth about the MD MPPA role, because that's who I worked with, those providers specifically. Medical doctor, nurse practitioner, and then physician associates. I asked a lot of questions like, "Why did you decide to become a doctor instead of a nurse practitioner or a physician associate and vice versa?" I also became a phlebotomist on the job, so I trained while on the job.
Lantigua: Okay. You didn't really take a break.
Vanessa: Well, a break in self discovery and learning what I like and I don't like.
Lantigua: Right.
Vanessa: Most of that help came from therapy so I actually searched up a therapist and I went and we talked about that and we talked about these dreams that I kept having of failing again and not becoming a PA and all these things. She helped me through that. She also helped me discover what I like. She gave me the idea sign up for classes, do something completely different. So I signed up for spin classes and I still continued to go to the gym and cooking a lot more.
Vanessa: I didn't want to be, let's say in my late forties and not have any hobbies or not know who really I am because I gave my whole life to studying.
Lantigua: Yeah.
Vanessa: I've also learned and accepted and forgiven my parents in the way they raised me in such a protective way and at times so conservative, because most of that anxiety and self doubt and all the struggles I've faced throughout this whole year was probably rooted back to the way I was raised, just because my parents sheltered me so much and they didn't let me do a lot of things that most people my age did when they were young.
Lantigua: Let's talk a little bit about your parents, right?
Vanessa: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Lantigua: They, at the beginning, they were skeptical, especially your mom about you taking this break.
Vanessa: Right.
Lantigua: Then she came around and sent you this text that said, "Hey, I support you." What was it like for them to watch you take this break and go through this amazing exploration? You realize. You didn't take a break, you went on this unbelievable exploration.
Vanessa: I did. I don't think my parents see it as that because they don't use those kind words that you did, they keep and have kept asking, "So what's next? How is the school? What are you doing to prepare yourself?" It's kind of like an update, "Okay, are you just sitting around watching TV or are you actually doing something?" I would tell them what I told you and then they'll be like, "Okay, great. So when are you going to start studying?"
Vanessa: In September I actually wanted to go home and just reconnect and touch base again because living in Maine is a completely different experience. I was like, "You know what? Let's start from the beginning. Let's go back home." I told my parents and they weren't happy about that idea. They didn't see it as, "Our daughter did this decision that she's never done before and it's hurting her and she wants to come home to us because she sees us as her mentors, but also like her protectors in a way."
Lantigua: Mm-hmm (affirmative), mm-hmm (affirmative).
Vanessa: They saw it as running away from my problems and being a little bit of a coward and leaving my partner behind. I was just like, "It's only for a week. I'm only going there for a week guys."
Vanessa: They were like super unsupportive and they actually called my partner to make sure that it was okay with him-
Lantigua: What?
Vanessa: ... for me to go with them for a week. Yeah. I was ... That kind of opened my eyes more and I was like, "Wow," now I don't share everything with them as I did before because of that so I've learned to draw another boundary.
Lantigua: Okay. I'm just going to be your anger translator for a minute. That is completely outrageous, and-
Vanessa: Yeah.
Lantigua: ... so fundamentally disrespectful and undermining.
Vanessa: Because they called me and they were like, "You know what? We thought about it and yeah, you should come over."
I was like, "So it took you three days, but sure. Okay." I was really happy and they were like, "Yeah, we just didn't think the situation through, we didn't think of your feelings. We didn't think of what you must be feeling in this moment."
Then my husband came home and he was like, "Oh yeah, your parents just called me and they wanted to verify," and I'm like, "Oh, so that's why they agreed to it. Now I get it."
Lantigua: Wow.
Vanessa: Yeah. And ...
Lantigua: Did you go home?
Vanessa: I did. I went home for about a week and I kind of went home with that resentment, but at the end I was like, "I kind of got what I wanted," but at the same time, it was just not the mindset I wanted to go home with.
Lantigua: Okay, so what not to be trite about it, but what's the lesson here for you?
Vanessa: I think boundaries, most importantly, not telling my parents everything that's going on and learning that I'm 24 and I don't need my parents' permission for every little thing.
Lantigua: Preach.
Vanessa: I don't live with them anymore.
Lantigua: Hand up. Everybody say-
Vanessa: Yeah.
Lantigua: ... amen.
Vanessa: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Lantigua: But I do want to point out because when you were saying that they were asking you, "How are you preparing? Are you studying? What else are you doing in the steps to get you back to school?" I've experienced that and it's the single mindedness of, "She has to achieve this thing, because that thing means all of these other things." I've been talking more about this because it's become so obvious that the survival of many immigrant families in the US has meant adapting a template of sorts. You do this first and then you do this and then you do this, right? Because this is how it's been done for generations. In a way, you and lots of first gens like you have to suffer to break everybody free of that because then you become an example of how to succeed without following that rubric, following that template.
Vanessa: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Right.
Lantigua: How are you feeling coming into May and looking ahead? What are you most looking forward to?
Vanessa: Starting the program and learning. I found that niche in the PA field and that is cardiothoracic surgery, cardiology, and anything within the chest or the thoracic cavity.I'm very into your heart health and I preach that every day to everybody that I know. That's what I want to do. I also want to continue working in that public health sector. I'm excited for that. I'm excited for the growth that I did during that year off.
Lantigua: That magnificent exploration.
Vanessa: Right.
Lantigua: This is what we're going to call it.
Vanessa: It is because I took the time to grow in the professional way of getting this job and then the personal growth and also school. I also took classes in community college to keep that mind working and we moved to a new place, so basically I'm starting from zero, from scratch so all the bad vibes or all that bad energy was left behind and I'm starting anew.
Lantigua: What support network are you going to build around yourself, coming into this challenge? You've had the experience of being the only one before and that really impacted you. To get ahead of that, have you thought about, "How do I build a support network beyond my spouse and now beyond my parents, because I've decided to set more boundaries around them so that I feel supported as I go into this?"
Vanessa: I honestly haven't given much thought to that but now that I think about it, that's a very important key to the puzzle that everyone says, even the directors of the program. Like you said, I need to find other people. I have become more open to just being more of an extrovert. I don't like to talk very much and just like to be behind the scenes but this year I actually told the new incoming class, "Hey guys, I was previously in the last year's cohort, so I kind of know what's going on so if you have any questions come to me."
Lantigua: Okay. That's a start and I really applaud you for that because when you're someone who's used to being in the background, that's big, just raising your hand and being like, "Hey, you can talk to me."
Vanessa: It's draining. I was like, "I don't know if I should do this. I don't know if I should tell them that I took an LOA. Are they going to think less of me?" I was like, "You know what? I'm still here. I still deserve the spot. I worked really hard and I'm just helping them. I'm not doing anything wrong," so I'm trying to be more involved and just be more noticeable than I thought I am. Yeah.
Lantigua: All right, so I'm going to encourage you as a big sister to really try to do something more concrete, maybe form a two or three person study group, and you meet regularly. Maybe schedule just a group check-in every couple of weeks and people can just come in if they're available so that you guys can just talk through stuff. To me, and I'm way older than you, putting things in my calendar really commits me to doing them because once you get started with academics, time flies, because you just lose hundreds of hours face down in a book. If you don't sort of plan ahead for these interactions, they might not happen for months, if at all.
Vanessa: Yes, no, you're completely right. I kind of did the whole, the first time I did it, I did it kind of solo, and I don't know if, because I at that moment, I was just so disconnected and didn't want to be there that I didn't have the energy to put in. I'm hoping that this time around, I feel that energy. I feel that passion again, and so this time around, I want to do things differently.
Lantigua: Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming back. I am so proud of you.
Vanessa: No, thank you. Means a lot.
Lantigua: Absolutely impressed me with your determination and your ability to just go for it. I'm so happy for you.
Vanessa: Thank you. It seems like a little things I've done, but when I speak it and people tell me it means a lot to me, so I appreciate that.
Lantigua: You've done a lot.
Vanessa: Thank you.
Lantigua: You've done a lot in the last year and stop calling it a break.
Lantigua: Vanessa's original episode is called Taking a Break from School, Then Telling Her Parents, and you can find it in our feed and on our website. We've also linked to it in the episode notes.
Lantigua: Thank you for listening and for sharing us. How to Talk to Mami and Papi About Anything is an original production of LWC Studios. Virginia Lora is the show's producer, Kojin Tashiro is our mixer, Manuela Bedoya is our marketing lead. I'm the creator, Juleyka Lntigua. On Twitter and Instagram where @talktomamipapi. Bye everybody. Same place next week.
Lantigua: Thank you for listening and for sharing us. How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] about Anything is an original production of LWC Studios. Virginia Lora is the show producer, Kojin Tashiro is our mixer, Manuela Bedoya is our marketing lead. I'm the creator, Juleyka Lantigua. On Twitter and Instagram we’re @TalkToMamiPapi. Bye, everybody. Same place next week.
CITATION: Lantigua, Juleyka, host. “OG Check-in: Taking a Break from Grad School and Reconnecting with Herself” How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] about Anything, LWC Studios., July 18, 2022. TalkToMamiPapi.com.