Amalia grew up watching her Cuban mom work hard to make ends meet. As an adult, Amalia is her mom’s safety net, but talking with her about finances and planning for the future makes her very nervous. Then, Juleyka speaks with certified financial advisor Anna N’Jie-Konte about how to talk to our parents about their money.
Featured Expert:
Anna N'Jie-Konte is the founder of Dare to Dream Financial Planning, a fee-only, virtual financial planning firm that serves the needs of 30/40 something women of color who want to live boldly and make a lasting impact on their family tree. Anna is a passionate believer in the empowerment of women and minorities in America. She hosts the “First-Gen Realness” podcast where she engages in conversations with her fellow first-generation Americans in order to reinforce their value and immense contributions to the fabric of America. By fostering a sense of community, she hopes to remind her peers that they matter, their stories are important and they are not alone in attempting to navigate multiple cultures with grace. Learn more about her work here.
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Juleyka Lantigua-Williams:
Hi, everybody. Today, I’m speaking with Amalia. She grew up in an economically modest household and was raised by her Cuban mother. Now, Amalia recognizes she’s her mom’s safety net, and is already thinking that in the future she might have to support her financially, but just preparing to talk to her about money, and finances, and planning ahead is a daunting task. Let’s get into it.
Amalia: My name is Amalia and I identify as Cuban American. I was born in Cuba and immigrated at an early age to the United States, and I have lived most of my life in Miami. I call my parents mamí and papí. So, I am an only child. My mom and dad divorced when I was young, shortly after coming to the United States. I have always lived with my mom and even from an early age I was sort of like my own parent at times. I would clean the house, make sure I was getting good grades, because my mom would be working a lot to pay the bills. Growing up, I would move almost every single year because we couldn’t afford rent.
We didn’t have a lot of family in the United States and every single person in my family could be characterized as working class, and even now, my mom lives paycheck to paycheck. I financially support my mom now because I have the means to do so, but in the past, my mom has had a lot of debt, has been through a bankruptcy, and having her car repossessed, and even several times we’ve gotten closed to having our home foreclosed.
My mom didn’t talk about money a ton except for, “We can’t afford this. We can’t afford this,” whenever I would ask for most things. I can imagine it was painful for her to not be able to give her child everything that she wanted. When I graduated high school and I turned 18, I knew that I had to get a job and I did. Had a part-time job while going to college. And as soon as I turned 18, I applied for credit cards because my mom couldn’t do so. We would use the credit cards to supplement paying our bills, because our paychecks couldn’t cut it, and that’s when I started to feel that pressure of supporting my family, because no one else was there to do so.
So, just last week, her fridge broke and she’s already living paycheck to paycheck, so I offered to pay for her electric bill, which would be equivalent to the monthly bill of paying off that refrigerator over three years. I am worried about my mom. Being an immigrant, my mom already came here, and she was 32 years old. She was already late in the game and accumulating that Social Security, and she couldn’t get an education in Cuba, so she came here, had to take care of me, and then continued to work kind of jobs that didn’t require a lot of education, and didn’t really pay as well, and she didn’t have time to pursue education or any kind of advancement to earn more income. If she needs an extra thing, I’m always there. I help her without a second thought.
I’m a planner, and you know, I live with my husband, and we have a budget, and I go through every single purchase we make every single month, and keep track of everything to save money, and so I started thinking long term about my mom’s finances, and that’s when I got to that realization that really kind of… When she retires, even at 67, she’s still gonna have to pay her mortgage for several more years, and her retirement savings and her Social Security will not be able to cover her living expenses. We will have to help her financially, and that’s stressful, because I’m… My husband and I, we grew up low socioeconomic status. We’re pursuing higher education to further our economic opportunities.
Me and my husband know we want to have kids and it is so, so stressful to think in the future. You have a lot of pressure of making it in America. I don’t want to have to worry about money while I have kids. I’ve seen how that has affected my mom and at times my relationship with my mom. So, and we’re both only children, so we really are carrying the burden of making sure that our family is not falling into financial ruin, and also providing financial literacy to our parents so they can make good decisions.
So, like payday loans are advertised widely as something that people can do, and it’s fine, but then they charge you these really high interest rates, and I had found out that my mom was taking payday loans because she couldn’t make ends meet at one point, and I felt so sad that she couldn’t tell me about that. She could have simply asked us, and she could have paid us back. I probably would have insisted she didn’t pay us back. But I am scared of bringing up the conversation of finances and financial planning with my mom because it… I’m scared of her thinking she did something wrong, because it’s not her fault. She did the best she could when she came here, and she took advantage of the resources that she had.
And so then, it’s up to me and my husband to know the financial literacy, pass it on, and plan our family’s financial future, and just kind of confront the inevitability of having to feel not financially stable yet again in the future.
Lantigua-Williams:
Amalia’s story is so familiar. As first gens, we often have financial opportunities that our parents could not have imagined for themselves, and that is a blessing. A blessing that sometimes comes with a very real sense of responsibility and a certain level of pressure. And talking about money can be difficult, especially when it involves talking with our parents about their financial decisions. To help us out, I called in an expert.
Anna N’Jie-Konte:
My name is Anna N’Jie-Konte. I’m a certified financial planner, financial advisor, and the founder of Dare to Dream Financial Planning. I am also the host of the First-Gen Realness Podcast. My whole mission in life is to have more women and women of color have more money and do better with their money and have the freedom that that buys them.
Lantigua-Williams:
So, Anna, you heard Amalia’s testimony. What did you hear as you listened?
N'Jie-Konte: I heard something that I come across so much. Issues of really just balancing trying to do better for yourself with also honoring your parents, and your family, and ensuring that you are paying back all of the sacrifices and the things that they’ve done for you, and really honoring them for that. That was the message that really came through to me and it resonated so much, too, because I was raised by a single mother, as well. I resonated so much with that on a personal level, as well.
Lantigua-Williams:
You have this wonderful term, first-generation wealth builder. I now proudly consider myself one of them, but Amalia is clearly also in that group. Can you talk to me about the characteristics of these first-generation wealth builders?
N'Jie-Konte: Yeah. This is the group of people that I’m super passionate about helping. These are most of my clients, right? What I find is that they are usually first-gen Americans, but not necessarily. A lot of times, they are at the very least the first in their family maybe to get a higher education, to get those professional terminal degrees, right? Lawyers, doctors, pharmacists, to really hit a new level of income and financial stability that that brings in their family.
What they usually struggle with is being the family emergency fund, having the honor and the stress of being the one who really understands how to navigate the systems, the financial systems, the education systems, the governmental systems, whatever it may be, for their family. And so, they are trying to build wealth, and financial stability, prosperity for themselves, while also trying to balance the amount of support, financial, mental, emotional, for their extended family, as well.
Lantigua-Williams:
First gens like Amalia, and especially because she’s a daughter, are often already bearing the brunt of the emotional translation that has to happen in a family, but now we’re adding the complication of money into it. When you deal with your clients, what’s your advice to them in terms of how they can prepare themselves emotionally and also financially to be able to have even an entry-level conversation with their family?
N'Jie-Konte: Yeah. The first step that they have to take is really to sit with themselves, and if they’re married like Amalia mentioned she’s married, to sit with your spouse and decide what you want to do, right? Like really understand from an emotional standpoint, from a financial standpoint, whatever resources you’re looking at, and decide how much you want to give so that when you are giving, you’re giving from a bountiful, joyful, willing place, and not necessarily from a place of obligation, right?
Once you understand what you’re able to do and what you’re willing to do, then you can approach your parents and say, “Okay…” You know, I caution everybody not to approach it, and I think Amalia mentioned this, she doesn’t want her mom to feel like she’s pointing fingers and saying, “You didn’t do enough,” or, “You didn’t do this well.” I’m the first person to preach that we really have to look at how far our parents have come and not judge them by the same yardstick as our white American peers that have been here for four generations. It’s different. They have a different experience.
Lantigua-Williams:
Preach!
N'Jie-Konte: And so, approaching it from, “Hey, mamí, papí, I’m working on my finances. I really want to do better for myself and my kids. I want to give my kids better. As part of that, I love you, and I respect you, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I want to make sure that you’re okay too. And so, as I’m doing this, can we talk about what your plans are and how I can help you with that? We can find ways to work together to make sure that you’re able to live the life that you want to as you’re getting older, as well.”
Lantigua-Williams:
All right, so thinking about that old adage of put your life vest on first, what are some of the things that the first gens should have in place before they even attempt to support or help a relative?
N'Jie-Konte: At the very least, there are basics. I’m not an absolute person, but you want to have… First of all, you want to have a plan. First and foremost, you need to have a plan. Even if you’re not where you want to be right now, how are you gonna get there? When are you gonna get there? Having that clarity is super important. You can work with a financial professional or create a plan on your own. That’s totally viable.
Secondly, I’d say your emergency fund, your retirement investments. At the very least, even if you don’t have those fully funded to the way you want to, you’re making progress towards those. You’re contributing to those month in and month out. Thirdly, having the boundaries, right? Understanding either which family members you’re going to support and which ones you’re comfortable supporting, what type of expenses you’re willing to contribute to. Just having that clarity on what you’re willing to do is just so important.
Lantigua-Williams:
Okay, so on the other side of that, what are some of the must-know components of your relative’s financial situation, so that you can really help them?
N'Jie-Konte: Yeah. So, you want to understand what their income situation is if it’s a current need that you’re trying to fill, and what the shortfall is if there is one, right? If their monthly income is $3,000 a month and they need $4,000 a month of expenses, the shortfall is $1,000 and somebody has to come up with that. Whether that be you, or some expenses need to be cut, or there’s a lot of different ways to manage that. Maybe it’s a social services thing. But having clarity on that is really important.
If it’s a future need, you want to look at what their assets are, if they have any retirement savings, if they’re eligible for Social Security, if they might have a pension in the future. Once you have those numbers, then you can plan for what the future needs are, right? And for my clients that have parents that might be okay right now, like they are working, they don’t need any support, they’re okay, but they anticipate that their parents have saved much for retirement and they’re not going to have much to work with once they stop working, either by choice, or because their health necessitates, or you know, cosas de la vida, as we say, life circumstances, it’s very important to ensure that you are planning for those longer-term eventualities.
And that can be a few things. That can be investing. I’m a big proponent of family emergency funds. Investing in an account that you have access to, a brokerage, taxable account, or like I’m doing, I’m buying a multigenerational house and saying, “At some point, mom and dad are gonna move in.” That way, I know that they at least have a roof over their head and they’re good that way.
Lantigua-Williams:
In immigrant communities, a lot of our parents worked “under the table.” And so, there’s a lot of income that was never taxed, that was never reported, and so in many instances, a social support system like Social Security is simply not available. So, if a first-gen wealth builder like Amalia realizes, “Wow, there’s no way to make up for 20 years of unreported income,” what is a break-in-case-of-emergency thing that they absolutely have to put in place?
N'Jie-Konte: You know, in that situation, depending on her mom’s age, this might be the kind of thing where you say, “Hey, ma, I know that you’ve been working in this job for a while and it’s been paying you good in cash, but maybe if you have 10 years minimum left in your working career, I think it makes sense to try and switch to a job at least part time so you can get the minimum Social Security benefit, right?” But if that is not an option, I’d say beginning to save in retirement vehicles is really important.
And it can be a really interesting thing for people to do if their parents have a while left working, saying, “Okay, you have $6,000 or $7,000 available in a traditional or a Roth IRA. What can you come up with that you can contribute on an ongoing basis? You got six years left working. Let’s try and do as much as we can.” Maybe you, as the child, if you’re financially able and willing to, can match them. Say, “Okay, you’re gonna put $100 a month, I’ll put $100 in a month.” And that way you have a couple of years’ worth of savings.
Now, it might not cover all your needs, or sorry, all of your parents’ needs, but at the very least it’s able to be a pot of money that can provide something.
Lantigua-Williams:
Right. All right, so two last questions. Any online resources that you can recommend where people can read up on some of the basics of long-term financial planning? And then any places where people can get some of the information, like for example, I pull my Social Security statement every year at the same time that I pull my credit report. What else should first-generation wealth builders be doing for themselves and for their parents?
N'Jie-Konte: Yeah. That’s beautiful and that’s a great practice. I’m gonna steal that. In terms of sitting down and saying, “Okay, what happened with my money?” Doing an audit, what happened with my money last year, and doing a comprehensive review. I recommend having a net worth statement and tracking that every year, right? You group together everything you own, your bank accounts, your home, your retirement accounts, any asset that you have. You take that number, then you add up everything you owe. Your student loans, your credit cards, your car loans, your mortgage. You take your assets, you subtract the liabilities, and that will give you your net worth. There’s a lot of softwares that you can use to do that, as well. There’s Personal Capital, there’s Mint. You could just do a spreadsheet if you want. Whatever works for you, but it’s a really powerful way to stay motivated and I recommend people do that at least once a year.
In terms of resources, there’s so many resources now, which I just love. There’s a few podcasts I recommend that are wonderful. There’s Her Dinero Matters. That’s wonderful. And there’s English and Spanish episodes, which I think is really cool if you have parents that feel more comfortable speaking in Spanish. There’s the Yo Quiero Dinero podcast, as well. There’s the Minority Money podcast. Those are three that I recommend people go to because it provides digestible, easy to understand, relatable information, because it’s one thing to listen to somebody who doesn’t understand your life experiences talk about personal finances, and there’s a completely different thing when the people that are talking to you have walked in your shoes. So, those are some that I think are amazing.
Lantigua-Williams:
Bravo. I love it. Anything that I have not asked you that you think is essential to know, useful to know, as folks like Amalia prepare to have these really difficult conversations with their parents?
N'Jie-Konte: The one thing that, and this isn’t necessarily personal finance related, but I always recommend my clients do this. Having that grounding perspective and one, not judging yourself, not being angry, and frustrated, and really sitting with whatever the situation is, whatever the outcome is, that is just the most important part. And also, not measuring yourself by your friends who might be more affluent, or their parents don’t have these struggles. Your family situation is your family situation because of their lived experiences, your own lived experiences, and also the past is the past. El pasado, pasado está. right? You can’t sit here and say like, “Oh, they should have done that. They should have done that.” It doesn’t help. You learn those lessons and you try and do better going forward, and I’m sure that your parents would agree that they would like to do better going forward.
Lantigua-Williams:
Anna, you are a gift. Thank you so much for coming on the show today.
N'Jie-Konte: Thank you so much, Juleyka. This was so fun.
Lantigua-Williams:
All right, let’s recap what we learned from Anna. Take your own inventory first. Before even starting a conversation with your parents, analyze your financials and get clear on the kind of help you’re truly able and willing to give. Track the net worth. Calculate your assets and liabilities, calculate their assets and liabilities. Then, track those every year. Doing so will help you set goals and plan accordingly. And remember, lo pasado, pasado está. The past is in the past. Keep the conversation productive and relevant by focusing on next steps and going forward.
Thank you for listening and sharing us. How to Talk to [Mamí and Papí] About Anything is an original production of Lantigua Williams & Co. Virginia Lora is the show’s producer. Kojin Tashiro is our mixer. Manuela Bedoya is our social media editor. Cedric Wilson is our lead producer. Jen Chien is our executive editor. I’m the creator, Juleyka Lantigua-Williams. On Twitter and Instagram, we’re @TalktoMamiPapi. Please follow us and rate us on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Spotify, or anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. Bye, everybody. Same place next week.
CITATION:
Lantigua-Williams, Juleyka, host. “Talking to Mamí About Her Money.”
How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] About Anything,
Lantigua Williams & Co., April 11, 2021. TalkToMamiPapi.com.