Mental health professional Blanca Amaya, who specializes in culturally competent, trauma-informed therapy, helps us talk about suicide, depression, and mental illness with our loved ones.
Featured Expert:
Blanca E. Amaya, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker providing psychotherapy in Englisn and Spanish. She owns her own practice, Amaya Counseling in Pasadena, Californial. She has extensive experience in the mental health field in multiple settings including domestic violence shelters, hospitals, non-profit organizations, and college settings. Blanca E. Amaya received a Master in Chicano Studies and presented her dissertation: Cultural Specific Models of Healing Among Undocumented Latina Women: Perspectives of Shelter Based Clinicians (B. Quintana, 2012) at the 18th International Conference and Summit on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma in 2013. Blanca’s experience has allowed her to develop an expertise in domestic violence, child abuse, generational trauma, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and first-generation issues/conflict, while using cultural and trauma informed appropriates. Blanca E. Amaya, LCSW has participated in research studies regarding the effectiveness of holistic healing arts model for both trauma survivors and individuals who work with survivors of trauma. Visit her website here.
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Juleyka Lantigua-Williams:
Hi, everybody. This is part two of our two-part episode on suicide and mental health. In part one, we talked to Sasha, whose sister committed suicide. If you haven’t listened, please go back and listen to part one of the two-part series. As with part one, please, please take care of yourself. If you’re not ready to listen, don’t listen. If you need someone to sit with you as you listen, please ask someone. If you don’t want to listen at all, please don’t listen. These are really tough, tough subjects, and so we want to make sure that you’re able to take them in when you are ready to do so.
I was deeply moved by Sasha’s story, by her family’s response to her sister’s death, and by her struggle with mental illness. But I was so impressed, and I so admire her for her willingness to talk about it with her other sisters and with us. Sasha found a support system and she’s making a way to heal for herself and for her siblings, but it is still painful and difficult to talk to her parents about it. For Sasha and anyone else out there who might be in a similar situation, I called in some help.
Blanca Amaya: My name Blanca Estela Amaya and I have a private practice in Pasadena, California, called Amaya Counseling.
Lantigua-Williams:
When you heard Sasha’s clip, what did you hear?
Amaya: What I heard was a lot of stigma and shame related to mental illness and individuals who take their life by suicide. And I heard her talk about her story in regards to her mental health struggles, as well as her family’s mental health struggles, and how that has been difficult for her and her family.
Lantigua-Williams:
Are these themes that are familiar to you because of your work?
Amaya: Yeah, so this theme is very familiar with me in my work. I work with a lot of individuals who are experiencing depression, anxiety, and have had suicide ideation or suicide attempts in the past or have had family members who have taken their life by suicide and helping them through the grief and the loss of that family member.
Lantigua-Williams:
Sasha talked a lot about the dynamic that she and her sisters experienced where there was a real break and a real difference between being in a protective community of immigrants and first gens, and then going out into the rest of the world. Can you talk a little bit about what that tension is and how it impacts individuals?
Amaya: Yeah. So, a lot of individuals who are first gen, first generation, have a difficult time when they do leave the family nest, or they are out of the sense of safety in the community. Because they’ve been in this sense of community and safety within their home, and they don’t know what to expect outside. For example, for her I had heard that she had gone to college, and she was the first individual of color in college. How she felt a lot of microaggressions and how she just had a difficult time with knowing how to navigate what it was to be away from her family and to be away for college. And a lot of first generation folks experience that, of the unknowingness, feeling lost, and trying to figure out their journey outside of the family system.
Lantigua-Williams:
But this is something that she has found really difficult to talk about with her parents and with her family, to the point that even after her sister’s suicide, they completely told a different story about it. How can first gens like Sasha even begin to approach a conversation about mental illness with parents who are perfectly willing to just completely hide the reality of something as tragic as a suicide?
Amaya: And I think that’s very difficult for first generation folks to experience that, because unfortunately sometimes there is that stigma related to mental illness about hiding that within the family system, within the community, and like she had mentioned, lavando su ropa en casa. Right? So, washing her clothes at home.
The misconceptions about an individual who does self-harm or has suicide ideation or has thoughts of wanting to take their life by suicide, is that they’re doing it for attention. And I think that’s a stigma and something that we need to admit, that we need to debunk. Because having those thoughts is a serious way that they’re asking for help. It’s not a way for someone to ask for attention, but they’re asking for some help, and when an individual gets to that point where they want to take their life by suicide, it’s because they haven’t seen another way out, and it’s no one else’s fault, so I think that’s also something that should be highlighted, that no one else is to blame for that individual’s decision or choice to take their life by suicide.
So, I think the first step is just starting to talk to your parents about it, even though it’s very uncomfortable. Have an honest conversation about them, about what it means to be sad, what it is to feel anxious, and what it is to have thoughts of wanting to take your life. Because unfortunately, a lot of people experience thoughts of wanting to take their own life because they feel hopelessness. They feel alone. So, if you have a conversation with somebody, you might find out that you’re not the only one feeling that way.
Lantigua-Williams:
The other part that really struck me was that since her sister’s suicide, Suedie’s suicide, her family has acknowledged it without actually really talking about it. That, to me, feels even more painful. Is this a type of coping that they’re doing? And are there significant drawbacks or benefits to this type of coping?
Amaya: This is absolutely a way of coping within the family system. The parents have a difficult time accepting that their daughter has died of suicide. The only way to recognize it is the way that they’re doing it, by just checking in with each other to see how they’re doing. And there is drawbacks, because the sister that was left behind, or the sisters who were left behind, juggle between wanting their parents to recognize that their sister died of suicide, and then also respecting their own beliefs and thoughts regarding suicide. So, it’s trying to find a middle ground between those two things.
And I know she does a really good job by also going to her own support, reaching out and getting her own therapy, and being in support groups, so that way she has a community where she feels validated, and where she can feel safe to express those feelings, as well.
Lantigua-Williams:
So, I want to go through a sequence of events. Suedie was basically run over by a car and that incident was really traumatizing for her. She tells her sister that it made her feel like she didn’t matter. And that seems to be the type of inciting incident that then escalated all the feelings of isolation and not fitting in that they had all been experiencing. What are some of the signs in someone we love, whether they tell us or not, that might clue us in that they’ve reached the point where something really traumatic or major has happened, and they might be having suicidal ideation?
Amaya: Yeah, so there are a couple of signs. One of them could be their change of behavior. So, if you see that they are withdrawing from friends or family, they’re saying goodbye to you, they’re giving away important items, or making a plan of what they’re gonna do after they die. They could also be participating in dangerous, risky behavior, such as driving recklessly, displaying extreme mood swings, or sleeping more or less, or using drugs or alcohol. So, these are just behaviors, right? So, those are some of the possibly warning signs that maybe somebody that you love is having some thoughts of wanting to take their life by suicide.
Lantigua-Williams:
So, how do we approach someone?
Amaya: Yeah. So, how do we approach them? We ask them directly. Are you having thoughts of wanting to take your life by suicide? Because studies have found that if you ask them directly, they’re more open to tell you if they are experiencing those thoughts, and they’re more open to allowing you to help them. And then when you allow to help them, and then you can ask for help by going to see a mental health provider, calling the Suicide Prevention Hotline, and linking them to resources that are gonna help them with the thoughts that they’re having at the time. And then staying connected with them, right? So, making sure that they’re following up with the resources that you provided them, that they are following up with the mental health provider, if they’re having a plan with an intent that they’re calling 911, or going to the hospital to receive those services, because that’s when it’s more immense danger for them, right?
So, taking them there. And then following up with their care after, just to make sure that they’re gonna be okay and they’re gonna be linked to services.
Lantigua-Williams:
Okay. Here’s a little bit of a culturally complicated question, which is that first gens, and I’m a first gen, we are really, really not allowed to tell our parents how they’re feeling about something. We are forbidden from ever saying, “Oh, but you must be sad about this,” or, “Are you depressed?” I mean, I’ve asked my mom maybe twice if she was depressed, and I was dismissed immediately, right? Like, “Depressed. What do you know about depressed?” You know?
And so, how does someone like Sasha, who is… I mean, in a way, very responsible for the emotional well being of her family, she is the mediator, she’s the person who gets called in to literally break up the fights. How does she even broach the conversation of asking their parents about their mental health, and even suggesting that they might be going through something?
Amaya: Yeah. And I think meeting them where they are, because like you had mentioned, a lot of our parents have that stigma related to feeling depressed, or feeling anxious, right? So, maybe using language that they would be more open to.
Lantigua-Williams:
So, what are some phrases that we can use that decrease the stigma and don’t make it sound clinical or like we’re trying to diagnose them?
Amaya: Identifying more of the feeling or the behavior. I think they would be more open to talking to you about it, about the feeling connected to it, versus connecting it to a mental health disorder. For example, “I’ve seen that you’ve been sleeping a little bit more than usual. Just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing. I’ve been noticing that you’ve been a lot more worried than usual. I wanted to check to see how you’re doing. Just concerned about you because this is something different that I see.”
Lantigua-Williams:
Okay. And we should try that a few times, I imagine?
Amaya: Yes. Yes. It’s something that we have to continue to practice, because it’s something so unfamiliar, like you mentioned. We’re not really allowed to bring up behaviors and different emotions that we see about our parents, because they might put their guard up, or because we’re the child, right? So, they have a hard time seeing us as adults.
Lantigua-Williams:
Yeah. Agreed. So, Sasha’s sisters, who are moms now, they want to talk to their children about the aunt they’ve never met, right? And that obviously signifies a shift in how this generation wants to approach the topic. What are some pointers you might give them as they broach this with their children?
Amaya: Some of the pointers to talk to children about their aunt that they never met I think is having an honest and age-appropriate conversation with them. So, just I think bringing up pictures about her I think would be a beautiful way to kind of introduce her, and to say that your tía, your aunt was very sad and didn’t know another… She no longer wanted to live and didn’t see another way out. But that doesn’t mean that we, as a family, can’t figure out what we can do when we feel sad, and when we feel like we don’t know there’s a way out.
Because you have to have an honor conversation with the children, because children as young as 10 can also be having these thoughts, so having these conversations also lets them be aware that these are thoughts and feelings that we all can have, but reaching out for help could be a helpful resource, and that you will be there if they have any questions about their feelings or their thoughts associated with that.
Lantigua-Williams:
What are some questions children might have that they should anticipate in this conversation?
Amaya: A lot of the times, a lot of the children have questions such as why is my tía not here, why is my aunt not here? Why was she so sad that she left this earth? And again, like I had mentioned earlier, just letting them know that tía didn’t know another way out at the moment, or she didn’t know how to reach out for help. Because you know, children always wonder. They have a lot of questions. And typically, it’s a lot of the why, like why did that happen? So, just providing them with an honest but age-appropriate response.
Lantigua-Williams:
Can you share any culturally relevant or useful resources for people who are listening and they themselves might need support, or they may want to offer these resources to someone who needs support?
Amaya: So, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is a helpful hotline that helps individuals who are experiencing any suicide ideation, thoughts of wanting to take their own life, or having a plan of wanting to take their own life. This is also a useful tool for individuals who have family members who are experiencing these symptoms, because they’ll be able to link them to support groups that could assist them during this moment. As well, there’s a Crisis Text Line. If the individual doesn’t feel comfortable speaking to somebody on the phone, they actually can text HELLO to 741-741, and somebody will text you and be there to support you.
Lantigua-Williams:
Blanca, thank you so much. We need to keep talking about this and I’m so glad that you came on the show. Thank you so much.
Amaya: Thank you. I appreciate this.
Lantigua-Williams:
All right, let’s recap what we learned from Blanca. Focus on feelings. If you want to talk to someone about their mental state, ease into the conversation by asking questions about their feelings and specific behaviors you may have noticed. Maybe try sharing your own feelings and your own behaviors. Whatever you do, try not to focus on disorders, or illness, or anything that can sound clinical. Ask questions. If you suspect that someone is having thoughts of suicide or self harm, ask directly. They’re much more likely to answer you if you don’t skirt around the issue. But be compassionate and non-judgmental. Listen and be ready to help. And remember, debunk the myths around suicide. Reinforce the idea that it is not about getting attention, it is about asking for help.
We have a list of resources in our show notes, so please take advantage of them for yourself or someone you know.
Thank you for listening and sharing us. How to Talk to [Mamí and Papí] About Anything is an original production of Lantigua Williams & Co. Virginia Lora produced this episode. Michael Castaneda mixed it. Manuela Bedoya is our social media editor. Cedric Wilson is our lead producer. Jen Chien is our executive editor. I’m the creator, Juleyka Lantigua-Williams. On Twitter and Instagram, we’re @TalktoMamiPapi. Please follow us and rate us on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Spotify, or anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. Bye, everybody. Same place next week.
CITATION:
Lantigua-Williams, Juleyka, host. “When a Sister Commits Suicide Episode Part 2”
How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] About Anything,
Lantigua Williams & Co., March 29, 2021. TalkToMamiPapi.com.