Spiritual life coach Michelle Gomez speaks with Juleyka about what he calls the Latina Mother Wound, and shares strategies to recognize and begin to heal childhood traumas that impact mother-daughter relationships. Then, she offers advice on how to incorporate it all into conscious parenting practices.
Featured Expert:
Michelle Gomez, is a spiritual life coach, author, and sacred space holder with a specialty in healing the Latina Mother Wound. She has endured the painful process of healing the wounds left by traumatic experiences from her childhood. She is a sacred space holder for women who need guidance, a safe place to land, and a sister to lean on. Her approach is centered on processing the pain of the Latina Mother Wound and recovering the strength of the divine feminine Warrior Womxn within, with the help of spirit guides, ancestors and all of the elements in nature made available to us. Learn more about Michelle on her website, where you can also download her free e-book The Latina Mother Wound, and her digital healing guide The Healing Hija Accelerator. Michelle also runs a community of sisterhood, Healed Hijas, a Facebook group of Latina adult daughters at different stages in their Mother Wound healing journey.
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Juleyka Lantigua-Williams:
Hi, everybody. This is part two of our two-part episode on mother-daughter relationships. In part one, you heard Liz talk about her difficult relationship with her mom, and her fears and insecurities around becoming a mom herself. If you haven’t heard it, please go back and listen to part one first.
There was a lot in Liz’s story that resonated with me, especially because as a daughter and as a first gen, I, like many of you, am charting new territory in the choices I make in my life. I’m doing things differently, really differently than the way my mom did things. And as a parent, I can tell you parenting is hard, and for those of us hoping to do it radically different than how we were brought up, it can feel daunting. I could certainly use some help. I bet some of you could, too. So, I did what I always do. I called in an expert.
Michelle Gomez:
My name is Michelle Gomez. I am a spiritual life coach. My specialty is serving as a Latina mother wound healing conduit. Prior to pivoting my business towards helping women heal this wound, I was doing executive career coaching, and in doing that I’ve also pursued a bachelor’s in business management and a master’s in business administration, while also publishing my very first book on imposter syndrome.
Lantigua-Williams:
So, tell me about specializing in the Latina mother wound.
Gomez: So, prior to pivoting my business, I had achieved everything on paper that most first-gen Latina daughters are taught to achieve, and so I spent a lot of time in academia, in corporate, while also having a successful thriving marriage and two beautiful children. I had achieved everything, everything hanging on the wall says that I should be happy. My square footage of my house, the German car that’s sitting in my driveway, I’m like, “Why am I not happy?” And what happened was I finally realized that I was trying to achieve a certain level of self-acceptance because the relationship I have had with my mother and my father gave me some semblance that I wasn’t enough as I am.
My mother wound had gone unaddressed for a very, very long time. The coaches I worked with were not Latinas. My therapists that I had weren’t even women. So, I just felt like there was a lot missing the mark for me. A lot of the teachings, a lot of the ways that they were saying, “Here’s how you handle your difficult mother,” like yeah, that’s not a reality for me. I’m Latina. We think and feel different, like women of color, our heritage, our culture, and I just felt that there was no place that Latinas can go and talk about this, and so I created it.
Lantigua-Williams:
You heard Liz’s testimony. As you listened to her, what did you hear?
Gomez: I heard a lot of fear of being inadequate as a woman to step into her role as a mother. That saying that she said can be kind of scary, right? That you can’t be what you’ve never seen, you can’t possibly give what you’ve never had, and there’s some truth in that. But one thing I noticed in Liz’s testimony is that she has been doing her healing work already. She already sounds way more conscious than maybe our moms were aware of, you know?
Self-aware, which is… That would be the superpower I would encourage her to start with, is really with motherhood, I feel that Marianismo, really has done a great disservice to Latina daughters in this expectation that a good woman is this constantly giving, constantly doing for others, this martyr, and that that is the only way you can be a good mother. And so, the fact that she’s questioning that is really beautiful, because now she has an opportunity to change the experience. Yeah, your mom may not have given you what you needed, but the fact that you consciously know what it is that you need is the first step.
Lantigua-Williams:
Right. I completely agree with you that when I talked to her, I did find that she was really self-aware and that she had really given herself the time, and the space, and the permission to ask and question how she was brought up, right? But for folks who are just beginning to unravel whatever trauma might be influencing who they are, what are some of the signs that you have a mother wound if you’re a Latina?
Gomez: A lot of the telltale signs are your relationship to other women and even your relationship to yourself. How you value your femininity or do you have a balance of masculine and feminine. Really, we watch mom, and we are informed by a lot of the ways she walks the world. The way she interacts with other people. The way she speaks to herself about herself informs us on what relationship we’re allowed to have with ourselves, what’s acceptable, and what we’re expected to be like in relationship to other women.
So, a lot of those limiting beliefs or just this pattern that seemed to have worked for mom, so you think you have to emulate it in order to be acceptable to her, that’s a deep understanding. Especially if culture and heritage was weaponized in an effort to force you to be in that role of “la niña buena,” the good little girl, right? Our parents, many times their ability or their view of being good parents was thrown on us daughters. So, if we’re well dressed, if we’re well behaved, if we only speak when spoken to, and these are the things that our parents in their generation were taught, “Oh, I’m doing my child a service. I’m teaching her that this is how she gets praise.” And of course, to the parent it’s an ego boost, too, right? Like, “I’m a good parent. Look at, people are complimenting my kids.”
But truly being a good girl and staying quiet and always doing and being for others does zero for us in adulthood. If anything, it keeps us small. Makes it so that we don’t ask for more, makes it so that we just take what we can get and not complain. All of those things. And so, if you find yourself constantly self-betraying, saying yes when you really want to say no, constantly concerned about what everyone’s gonna think, a lot of it does have to do with our relationships with our mothers, and so we get to dive into those wounds and unlock some of those patterns to see why. Why did you believe that way and how does that show up in your actions as an adult?
Lantigua-Williams:
Talk to me about the work that has to happen for someone. They’re starting to come into this awareness that there is healing that needs to happen, that there is a fundamental wound that they’ve been carrying around. Where does the work begin and does the work only involve them? Or at some point, does the work involve the mom?
Gomez: So, if I could answer it in reverse a little bit.
Lantigua-Williams:
Absolutely.
Gomez: Mom does not have to be involved at all. I can already feel the tension of any listeners that are saying, “Oh my gosh. I have to confront my mom? Are you kidding? There’s no way.” Hermana, te entiendo. I know, I know. Mother does not have to be involved because she’s on her own path. You can’t heal her, and her participation is not required. It’s really first, the first step is in allowing yourself permission to speak up, and question, and bring up this experience that you’ve had, and allow yourself to talk about it openly, because it’s not about let’s sit here and bash mom. That’s not what this is. It’s, “Tell me about little you. Talk to me about little you.”
I actually tell my clients to bring photos of themselves as children and I ask them what was going on in the heart and the mind of five-year-old you, here? Understand what it was like for you and what your inner child still carries today, to this fear today, and why it’s showing up now. I’ll give you an example. The people-pleasing stuff, right? Like the doing for others. A lot of us were not given I would say verbal affirmation for just existing. You know, like, “Ay, yo te quiero tanto, m’hija.” Like, “I love you so much and you’re just so special just… Thank you for existing.” It was always, “¿Limpiaste tu cuarto? ¿Hiciste tu tarea? Ayúdalo a tu hermano.” You needed to do something in order to get the accolade, the recognition, right?
And so, when we didn’t do something, or we did it wrong, and we got yelled at, depending on how mom treated you will lead you to understand why you’re afraid. As little girls, we don’t know any better. As little girls, we assume if I disappoint mom, she’s gonna stop loving me and she’s not gonna take care of me. And if mom was the type of mom that would go silent on you, withdraw her love, would yell at you and turn aggressive, these are patterns that we’re afraid of. And so, if we don’t heal that stuff, that inner child fear follows us into adulthood and now we’re afraid to disappoint. If we do it wrong, or if we don’t do it, if we say no… My survival is at stake if this person’s not happy with me.
Lantigua-Williams:
So, I want to ask about that specifically, because Liz stunned herself by leaving the house, and that existential threat that you speak of, her very safety, she just said, “Forget it. I can’t. And I am going to risk my emotional well being along with my physical well-being.” And she couch surfed and slept on someone’s floor for eight months. For her, that was a turning point, but not everyone has the resources, the ability, the support to do that. So, how can someone start to make progress in their healing without doing something as extreme as just leaving the home if they’re not in a position to do so?
Gomez: Clearly, and this is gonna be a word that a lot of Latinas don’t know what it is and don’t know how to put it in practice, and I get it. I had to learn, too. Boundaries. There needs to be some personal boundaries. I think it’s funny that the… Do you know the word boundaries does not have a translation in Spanish? Isn’t that crazy?
Lantigua-Williams:
What?
Gomez: Exactly. There is words that kind of allude to what boundaries mean, but there’s no actual word that means boundaries. There’s “límites personales,” that’s a personal limit, right? And then there’s the other word that came up when we did our research was “fronteras,” which means a border. Boundaries works for both people. We basically get to say, “I love you, but I love me too.” And in order for us to be in a healthy relationship and a healthy dynamic, there needs to be an understanding of what my boundaries are, and a respect level there. And Latino parents just don’t… Especially those of us that were raised in enmeshed family homes, where everybody knows everybody’s business, everybody has a say in what everybody’s doing, then your desire for boundaries could be very foreign and hard to understand. Because they will see it as disrespect.
But a personal boundary could be something as simple as you limiting your emotional accessibility. If you know that they’re not going to be respectful as you speak, like Liz was saying, then she can set a boundary and say, “I am not going to share personal stuff about myself. That’s my boundary.” And if mom wants to know, then that’s a boundary she can communicate to her, like, “I choose not to talk about that.”
And if mom wants to hear more, like, “I want to know what’s going on in your life and I want to be able to talk to you about stuff like this,” then that’s where the boundary comes in. It’s like, “Mom, I would love to talk to you about this stuff. However, if you would like to talk to me about my stuff, I need to know that your response is going to be loving, and accepting, and understanding. If you’re just going to invalidate me, then I’m not going to share.” So, really the ball is in mom’s court, too. Everyone assumes sometimes that boundary making only benefits us. No, you actually give the other person the ability to have some power in it, too. I’m telling you my boundary. You can respect it or not, because if you respect it, here’s the benefit. I get to talk to you about stuff now. Maybe we can schedule a coffee date, right? Because you’re my mom and you want to know.
Or they suffer the consequence, which is I just won’t share my personal stuff with you. So, you have a say, mom.
Lantigua-Williams:
My last question is where else can someone like Liz, who is becoming aware of what’s going on with her, get support, seek help? Who else should someone like her reach out to when the parental figure is just not emotionally available to her to talk to and is actually the aggressor in many instances?
Gomez: I really feel that she would benefit from a Latina therapist. Latina therapists have the understanding maybe that Anglo therapists don’t about some of the ins and outs or inner workings of the Latino household. And so, to be able to support her through understanding her family’s unique pathology and help empower her to make the necessary changes or adjustments to her relationship to herself, so that she can create the mothering style that feels authentic to her. Because once you take autonomy and you’re like, “This is what I’m gonna do and I don’t care who gets upset.” Then it’s not just mothering, it’s everything that you get to take that kind of energy into.
Lantigua-Williams:
Because in the end, you have to be your own mother.
Gomez: Correct. The remothering process is part of the healing that we do. And I also truly believe in the power, the spiritual power, of ancestry. Being able to meditate, and pray, and connect to your ancestors, is a way that you can also access generational blessings and power. I mean, so many of us, we’re always told you need to be a generational cycle breaker. End the pattern of generational trauma. And yeah, we’re doing that through our work in this time, but there’s also many generational blessings that we don’t know about, and a lot of our immigrant parents who migrated here, they’re taught that you need to learn the language and assimilate to Anglo life so that you can achieve the American dream and everything will be well.
Well, I am living proof that’s not true. I did it all and I still wasn’t whole, and complete, and fulfilled. So, that’s why I feel that opening up to your ancestry, whether you get your DNA tested, start asking questions, research the countries, and the tribes, and the Indigenous communities that come from that space, you will see that you come from such a big spiritual wolf pack. You have such a connection to divine source that your mom was just one link in the chain. And just because she didn’t teach you that stuff doesn’t mean that you can’t get access to it. And you can birth anything you want from that, even the type of mothering style you want to be.
Lantigua-Williams:
Michelle, you’re such a gift. Thank you so much for coming on the show.
Gomez: My pleasure. Thank you for having me, my sister. I appreciate it.
Lantigua-Williams:
Okay, let’s recap what we learned from Michelle. Tune into yourself. Understanding how your early experiences have shaped who you are will help you cultivate self-awareness, which is the first step to changing harmful behavior that may be standard in your family. Set boundaries. Boundaries give power and agency to everyone involved in a relationship. Use them to clearly communicate and negotiate terms and conditions with your loved ones. And remember, draw from your whole ancestry. Your inheritance is not only what your parents taught you or passed on. There are generations of family members that came before them, and by doing a little research on your family’s history, talking to older family members, through prayer, meditation, you can learn from their strengths, values, traditions, and their resilience. This is your legacy. Use it as a resource to support you in your healing journey.
Thank you for listening and thank you for sharing us. How to Talk to [Mamí and Papí] About Anything is an original production of Lantigua Williams & Co. Virginia Lora is the show’s producer. Kojin Tashiro is our mixer. Manuela Bedoya is our social media editor. Cedric Wilson is our lead producer. Jen Chien is our executive editor. I’m the creator, Juleyka Lantigua-Williams. On Twitter and Instagram, we’re @TalktoMamiPapi. Please follow us and rate us on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Goodpods, anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts. Bye, everybody. Same place next week.
CITATION:
Lantigua-Williams, Juleyka, host. “When Mamí Makes You Doubt Becoming a Mom, Part 2.”
How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] About Anything,
Lantigua Williams & Co., May 31, 2021. TalkToMamiPapi.com.