As a self-described "traditional dater," Mio feels discouraged by online dating apps and a new dating culture where she feels pressured to take the initiative. Coach Varsha Mathur shows us how to connect genuinely on any platform.
Unlike a traditional coaching session, this conversation was not conducted in a confidential setting and all participants were made aware of this when recording this episode.
Varsha Mathur is a dating and relationship coach, and mediator based in Charlotte, NC. Learn more about her work with singles and couples here and set up a discovery call with her here. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to Wanting This, Not That and Arranged Marriage? No Thanks Mom
Juleyka Lantigua:
Hi, everybody. We continue with our series on love and relationships. Over the past few episodes, Coach Varsha, a relationship expert, has been speaking directly with first gens facing challenges in their love lives. In these discovery conversations, she's been offering feedback to help us all navigate dating. Today, she's speaking with Mio. Mio is ready to be in a relationship. She knows what she's looking for, but feels disoriented and disillusioned by dating apps, and she's finding it really hard to make meaningful connections with folks she's been meeting. Let's get into it.
Mio: My name is Mio, Mio Santana. I'm based in Miami, Florida. I'm a transformational trainer. I have my own business called Divine Journey. I launched it about three years ago. I'm very busy into that, startup, launching, all the stuff that goes into that, but I am dating, or trying to date. I would like to find a life partnership, someone that I can grow old with, someone who has a lot of similar likes and dislikes that I have, that has a similar way of thinking, that wants the same things I want, that wants to build something together, create something together, grow together, and that challenges me and also helps me see the best parts of me as well and vice versa. So just a partner, someone that I can grow with and expand with.
Coach Varsha: Mm-hmm (affirmative). What makes you want that?
Mio: Well, I mean, I'm 42, so I've run the dating gamut. I've gone through the merry-go-round, if you will, more than once, and I've had successful, unsuccessful relationships, whatever you want to call it, however you want to look at it, but I'm just ready to settle down. I'm tired of being out there, trying to find someone or whatever. I really just want to grow something with someone, have a partnership, to start a life with someone, to create a life.
Coach Varsha: What's that going to give you?
Mio: Well, I mean, the first thing that came to mind was security, but I do give myself security, so it's not really something that I want to find outside of myself, but having that person to come home to and connect with after a long day, having that connection, that community that sees you, that understands you, that's there for you. Yeah, it's like having a teammate. I think that's why I want it, it's like having a teammate with you.
Coach Varsha: Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah, I love all of those words that you're using. I definitely hear some stuff. The thing about coaching is that it takes you from this awareness, right? It's like you're aware of what's going on and coaching can allow us to then say, "Okay, well, what are we going to do about it? How do we actually change from being in, 'I know this is the problem,' to, 'I'm going to start doing something about the problem,'" right?
Mio: Right.
Coach Varsha: I want to get an understanding of what are some of your challenges. What's actually keeping you on these dates or just dating in general from actually getting that deep connection with somebody and connecting with them in a way that you want?
Mio: Yeah, yeah. I can totally see that I have a problem, that I'm missing something, and I know that I don't have the answer to it, so that's why coming to you, a coach, someone who is well-versed in this can help me see maybe something that I'm not seeing, a blind spot that I might have.
Some of the challenges I've been facing in the dating world, well, one particular that I wanted to explore is that I feel like I have a traditional mindset when it comes to dating. I have a concept of dating that's very antiquated and everything now has changed, has evolved. The dating landscape is so different. Women are the ones that are making the first moves now. You have apps like Bumble and I'm not used to that. I've never dated that way. I've always been more in the traditional sense where the guy pursues the girl and the guy lets her know that he's interested and gives her flowers and opens the door and does all the steps. I feel like I'm missing something when it comes to dating now. That gives me an insecurity because I feel like I might be on a different page than most people. That's one challenge.
Mio: Another challenge is that I'm an entrepreneur. I have a child and that child is my business and a child takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of time and I spend most of my weekends working, so I'm not really out as much as I used to. I don't go out to bars and things, which essentially, you would think it's where you can meet most people.
Then my third challenge is that I'm not crazy about online dating. I have app fatigue. I'm just tired of it. I just wish there were more normal people on the apps, not to say that I'm so great, or whatever, but the different people that I come across on these apps sometimes are just on a totally different page. They just want to have fun, they just want to meet someone for a quick hookup, or something. I'm just not about that. I really want to get to know someone. I really want to spend time nurturing some kind of a relationship to see if it can go somewhere. Most people on these apps are not on that mindset at all.
I live in Miami, Miami, Florida. It's like there's a sense here of the-grass-is-greener syndrome. People are not willing to settle and people are just moving on to the next and moving on to the next and it makes dating here really competitive and really aggressive. I don't know. I don't subscribe to all that stuff. I just want to meet a regular person and have a regular conversation and just get to know them. I just find that it's hard in this landscape, so I feel kind of, just "disillusioned" is the best word right now.
Coach Varsha: Mm-hmm. How do you typically deal with this disillusionment?
Mio: I just don't go on the apps, I just get busier into work. It's like a cycle and then weeks pass and I'm not meeting anyone because I'm not doing social things, so then I'm like, "Okay, I have to get back on the app because if I'm ever going to meet someone, I have to put myself out there," right, so then I go back on the apps, and then I'm disappointed, and then I come back, and it's just like this revolving door back and forth.
Coach Varsha: How important do you think this is in your life, just finding an ideal partner, on a scale of one to 10?
Mio: It's up there. I think it's like a 10 because I feel like I'm more ready than I've ever been to be in the type of partnership that I want. I feel like I'm at the age where it's time for me to do that. I just feel like timing-wise, it's the right step for me. Yeah, it's one of my biggest priorities.
Coach Varsha: Got it. Good. Cool. I love that because it sounds like you have a lot of other stuff going on in your life, too, that's really meaningful to you, like your business. That's so wonderful. How do you see a coach supporting you through this?
Mio: The difference between a sane person and an insane person is someone that keeps on doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, and I just feel like I've been doing things over and over again because I just don't know any better and I'm getting the same results and hoping for a different results, so I just feel like a coach would help me see something that I'm not seeing and maybe gain a new perspective, or a new approach that might be beneficial.
Coach Varsha: Hmm. Got it. Are you open to hearing what I see for you in the coaching?
Mio: Absolutely.
Coach Varsha: Okay. I just got to know you, I don't have to be right about any of this, but I'm going to piece some thoughts together based on what you've been saying. As far as finding eligible partners, I think there are tons of avenues, most of which you've probably already tried, and I'm a big believer in supporting my clients in connecting even through any avenue in a way that works for them, so I've had clients get married off of Tinder. I, myself, got married off of a website. But really, we want to look at no matter who you're speaking to, how do you empower yourself to have the kind of conversation that's going to make a difference? You can get right into it with this person, not because you need to have serious conversations, or not have a light and fun and lighthearted kind of experience, but so that it can be more grounded, which is what it sounds like you want, right?
Mio: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Coach Varsha: The other thing I'm super present to is you keep thinking you're wrong, or that you don't have the answers yourself. I think coaching is not fixing, right? There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I love that you're mindful of the fact that you want a certain kind of experience, and so Bumble's not for you. I think that's wonderful to actually be aware of that.
Coach Varsha: I also really loved that you said the word "security" in what you're looking for, and then your brain automatically was like, "Yeah, but I don't need a man to give me security. I provide that for myself," right? We, as strong women, that is such an important part of who we are, right? We stand up and we do these things. However, the one thing that you might want to contend with is that when we're in our feminine energy, it is actually possible to find security in more than one place. It sounds like in your life, there's a lot of compartmentalizing going and it just doesn't have to be that way. You have both the masculine and the feminine, and sometimes in business, especially, I know for myself, I'm using my masculine energy, right?
Mio: Yeah.
Coach Varsha: I'm a go-getter, I like to close the sale, or do my accounting. Then there's my feminine side, which does show up, at least in my business, because I get to speak from the heart to my clients on a daily basis, and I get to bring that to my own partner and all other areas of my life. What I'm kind of noticing is perhaps there's an opportunity you to really see what that means for you where in your dating might the masculine be showing up out of fear, out of things like that, versus the feminine that I know you have in full-blown power as well, so you might want to just take a look at like where else in your life is this compartmentalizing happening and where in your life is feminine and masculine, either fighting or not actually showing up in the way that you intend. It might be getting really present to the version of yourself that is what I call your "essence," your authentic blend of energies that allows you to bring forth the version of you that's outside of fear, outside of surviving and defenses and things like that.
Coach Varsha: The next layer of that is to actually say, "Okay, this is who I am. This is who I want to bring forth in the dating, but how do I actually see that version of the person sitting across from me, or the person on the other side of the phone?" We can talk about tips. We can talk about where to find guys. This is also a misconception with people who live in big cities, that everyone is out to just have a good time, and no one wants to get serious, but the truth of the matter is actually everyone will get serious with the right person.
Mio: Right, yeah.
Coach Varsha: I mean, usually, right?
Mio: Yeah.
Coach Varsha: In the dating scene, people are there because they want to meet that one. Maybe they don't want to be married, but maybe they would like a life partner. I find that at least, especially with the men that I speak to.
Then it comes down to, how do you actually discover that version of that person that's sitting across from you? When I meet powerful women like yourself, who are entrepreneurs, one of the biggest aspects to look at is, how do you meet that person where they're at? Because my guess is that you're coming in and you seem so self-aware. That doesn't mean that the person that you're sitting across from doesn't have that within them, but it's possible that they're not bringing that to the table as easily as you are, right, so when somebody doesn't match with you, or they're not who you want, I'm curious how long you're spending with that person, or what the actual experience is with that person that's actually having you know for a fact that they're the kind of person that you want to dismiss versus the kind of person that there's something with. What keeps it from getting deeper, in your opinion?
Mio: To answer your question, and yes, I get the whole sense that you're talking about masculine and feminine energy, I just feel like I tend to be more in my feminine energy when it comes to dating, meaning that I'm waiting. I feel like I'm waiting a lot, waiting to see if he makes the first move, waiting to see if he asked me for my number waiting to see where this goes. I shift into my feminine energy and I stay there and I question myself when I should step into my masculine energy, when should I make a move, or when should I share what I need, or what I want, and so I start questioning myself, so I'm stuck in-between the traditional way of dating, allowing him to make the move, allowing him to steer the car, if you will, and letting him know that I'm interested, letting him know that I want to take it further or taking it to the next step, so yeah, that's what's going on internally when I'm on a date.
Coach Varsha: Got it. Here's the short version of what I tell my clients. This is a much larger conversation to be had, but this person, we'll just call him "him," doesn't know you enough to bring his masculine energy in the way that you need it and want it. This is because of the modern dating scene, right? It's no different than someone at the bar, maybe buying you a drink, and then never calling you again, right? Similarly, these first initial dating encounters is not actually dating.
Now, if you were to tell me that you initiated a conversation and you talked three or four times on the phone, and then you went out on a date, and he still didn't initiate, that'd be a different conversation, right, because then he's actually gotten a chance to know you, so what you may want to take a look at is, what does he know about me, and what do I know about him that makes it worth our while for him to do anything towards me, any of the things that I'm asking for? Yeah, it does take a little bit of what you're probably doing in other areas of your life, like taking a leadership role in reaching out. You're doing it in your business, right? You're doing it probably in other areas, so why not here? Because without actually showing up to the bar, if you will, or showing up to the conversations, these people don't know you enough to actually say, "Hey, this person has value. I want to call her back."
Mio: Right.
Coach Varsha: Yeah, so you might want to take a look at, am I judging this person in their actions based on how they're treating me, or how they're treating a stranger?
Mio: Right. That's a good one. Yeah.
Coach Varsha: Yeah, and in these very early encounters, it's so hard to know whether this person has any depth. It's not the because they don't have depth, it's because we haven't had the opportunity yet because they don't... Then what happens is we take it personally, right, because we know ourselves.
Mio: Yeah, mm-hmm (affirmative).
Coach Varsha: We're getting dismissed, but this poor person who we're saying whatever to didn't even get a chance to know us, so what would it take for you to take the initiative to let this person get to know you? Because if it were 20 years ago, we would have possibly had an opportunity to do that.
Mio: I love that. That just brought new light into this whole paradigm that I was stuck in.
Lantigua: All right, here's what Mio and the rest of us learned from Coach Varsha today: focus on connecting. Remember, the most important part is not the app, but your ability to genuinely connect with someone. Regardless of the platform, don't compartmentalize. Bring your whole self into all different areas of your life, including your love life. Instead of feeling like you need to leave some parts out, like your feminine, or your masculine energy, find the right balance that reflects who you really are, and remember, let them get to know you. Before making judgments on someone, let them get to know you, and let them show you, not a stranger, what they're all about. Thank you, Coach Varsha. You're awesome. You will find a link to Coach Varsha's website in the show notes, so head on over there and learn all about her work as a dating and relationship coach.
Lantigua: Thank you for listening and for sharing us. How to Talk to [Mami & Papi] About Anything is an original production of LWC Studios. Virginia Lora is the show's producer. Kojin Tashiro is our mixer. Manuela Bedoya is our marketing lead. I'm the creator, Juleyka Lantigua. On Twitter and Instagram, we're @talktomamipapi. Bye, everybody. Same place next week.
CITATION:
Lantigua, Juleyka, host. “Dating: She Wants to Date, but Not Make the First Move” How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] About Anything, LWC Studios., February 21, 2022. TalkToMamiPapi.com.
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