Felipa is trying to break a pattern in her dating life of not feeling seen or respected, but dating in her conservative hometown makes that a challenge. Coach Varsha Mathur offers strategies for discovering what we really want in a relationship, and why.
Unlike a traditional coaching session, this conversation was not conducted in a confidential setting and all participants were made aware of this when recording this episode.
Varsha Mathur is a dating and relationship coach, and mediator based in Charlotte, NC. Learn more about her work with singles and couples here and set up a discovery call with her here. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to the first episode of our series, Dating, But Not to Get Married, and Arranged Marriage? No Thanks Mom
Juleyka Lantigua:
Hi everybody, over the next few episodes, you'll hear first gen speaking directly with a very special expert about challenges they're facing in their love lives. It's a topic that comes up a lot during our conversations. But most of our guests don't actually want to talk to mamí and papí about their dating lives. Listen, I get it. So, on this show, we realized we could all use a little help in this area.
Lantigua: We invited Coach Varsha a relationship expert to join us to offer her feedback and insights on how to navigate romantic relationships. She calls these “discovery conversations.” Today she’s talking with Felipa. Felipa is a Mexican-American woman who recently moved back to her hometown after leaving a three year relationship. And who is struggling with finding what she wants in her new dating life. Let's get into it.
Felipa: I'm Felipa. I am 34. I'm also an attorney. I broke up with my latest relationship about a year ago. I can't say that I've had a lot of success lately in dating. I think that's one of the reasons that made me want to have this conversation. And I also started thinking about what went wrong in my relationship or what patterns. I don't know. I started seeing some patterns in the way I choose people and the way I approach relationships and I feel like it would be worth it to have a conversation with someone or get another perspective.
Coach Varsha: What is it that if you didn't have to worry about how it was going to happen or what you needed to do to make it happen in the next, say 12 months of your life, what would you like to create?
Felipa: I would like to have some stability, I think. I really like the idea of having a family, not necessarily children, but a partner and just somebody to share goals with and that we can work towards something. I'm craving stability a little bit.
Coach Varsha: And when you are out there dating or in a relationship, what obstacles are they are there for you?
Felipa: I didn't mention this, but I'm Mexican American first generation. And I went to law school, as I said, and it's been a bit of a challenge, I think, to navigate. I want somebody who understands that I really want to continue pursuing my career. It's really important for me and who values career as much as they value their own and who values my time as much as they value their own. And that's been a little bit of a hard thing to find, to be honest. And at the same time, I think it's important for me to have somebody who shares some, not necessarily the same political beliefs, but at least understands where I'm coming from or has that kind of respect for my background. And that's been a bit of a challenge, I think, to find both in the same person.
Coach Varsha: Yeah. It sounds like finding someone and being in a healthy relationship is more than just about what you want. It sounds like there's a larger purpose here for you in standing for who you are culturally, who you are as a career person. And that's the bigger picture vision that you have, is really having it all fit into that as well.
Felipa: Right. Yeah. I definitely agree with that.
Coach Varsha: So it might sound a little bold for me to say this, but I noticed some hesitancy in the way that you state what it is that you want. Sometimes this can come from jadedness, sometimes it can come from a lack of belief that it's even possible to have a healthy relationship, a real partner that gets you. And sometimes it's a lack of confidence.
Felipa: Yeah. I think it's definitely a combination of all the above. And I think a lot of it is like, I feel like I blame myself for everything that went wrong. Not necessarily in that I did everything wrong, but that I should have, I didn't set proper boundaries or I probably shouldn't have tried to make it work in spite of all the differences. Like I shouldn't be looking past the red flags. So I think it's just that, that I've been a little bit hard on myself, I would say. So I think that might be coloring this like, well, I mean, how can I even find someone when I, myself haven't finished sorting things out, I guess. I think that might be where I'm coming from.
Coach Varsha: It sounds like you're much of a giver and often you're not getting the things that you want in return.
Felipa: Yeah, I really do you think. And maybe this is a little bit of a part of a lack of confidence, maybe. I just remember my latest relationship, it was about a three years long and the first two years I just spent it really going out of my way to make the other person happy. I kind of felt like it was my job to make him happy. And I really think that I neglected myself in the process and I neglected what I wanted. And of course that approach is not sustainable. So eventually got up with me and I felt like I wasn't getting anything in return or not enough. And I started setting up for myself a little bit and just things just started unraveling a little bit. And I think it's been my experience before that just trying really hard at the beginning and then at some point just being exhausted.
Coach Varsha: Your actions like this pattern that you say that you see, it seems to come from scarcity. Like if I don't give this person, I'm not going to get anything, and if I don't give, then I don't deserve anything. And to your point, this being really hard on yourself and thinking that you're doing something wrong, there's just nothing wrong with wanting someone to show up for you the way you show up for them and for you to know that you could be loved and respected.
Felipa: No, I agree with all that. I mean, it's been hard thinking about all that, because of course, as you start thinking like, oh wow, I really haven't lost myself properly. Or, I have not necessarily even allowed myself to want things. I've been more focused on, okay, I need to fix myself first, so to speak.
Coach Varsha: Yeah. So what are the things that you would want and what are the things that you would ask for?
Felipa: I don't really ask for support in terms of just, I think just your everyday kind of, how are you? How are things? How can I make your life better? Or how can I help make things easier for us in general? I really like doing things, going places. I think it would be great to have an activity partner. And I think it would also just be easier to do certain things. To, I don't know, save money to buy a house, for example. Not that I couldn't do it on my own, I just think it would be easier to have that with someone else. I think it's about just peace of mind. Just feeling like one area of my life is sorted out.
Coach Varsha: So you know what this sounds like to me is like, it's a checklist and once you can cross it off, you'll be like, "Oh, okay, good. Done." I have a hunch that relationships and having love in your life is about more than that for you than just crossing it off your bucket list.
Felipa: Yeah.
Coach Varsha: But I know for me personally, it was about safety, security, respect, love and actually feeling like I'm accepted in this world by another human being.
Felipa: Yeah.
Coach Varsha: And I find that when we're sometimes jaded from dating, those walls come up and we're not actually willing to say things like I need to feel secure. I need to feel safe, because we as independent women, strong, smart career minded women are taught to just, like we can do this, we don't need to have anyone support us and loving us. And that just doesn't work in romantic relationships.
Felipa: Right. Yeah.
Coach Varsha: And I'm curious how much of that strong Felipa shows up in your dating?
Felipa: I think it doesn't show up enough actually. Or maybe it's just like, I don't want it to show up too much. I think that's been more my case, that I want to seem like love, not that I'm not, but that I wanted the person to be like, "Oh, she's loving, she's sweet." And then there's this other part of me that's like, "I don't need you. I could be happy without you." And that part of me just comes out later. And I think that's when maybe things start getting a little difficult. So it might be a good thing to find a way to not try to guess what the other person wants to see, which I think has been an issue for me.
Coach Varsha: Totally. And I love that you're so aware of it right now because our brains are really good at making us feel like, "Yeah, but I'm coming from the heart. Look at how outgoing I'm being, look at how considerate I'm being." But by doing it from up here in our brains rather than our hearts, we are not being our real genuine selves. And I think being truly yourself on outside and doing so outside of fear and outside of the fear of losing someone if you don't give something back, that's kind of the sweet spot for you. And getting to know who am I when I'm a romantic partner, and I know that I will get respect and love back regardless of who this other per person is across the table, I think that's a big piece of what I'm seeing is like the kind of place to infiltrate this pattern for you. What are some of the things that you want in a partner and how has it been for you to find those things?
Felipa: Up until recently, I hadn't really sat down and thought about, okay, what are some things that I really want and that I need? At least I can say from my latest relationship that I just met him and things just went from there. And from the beginning, there were a lot of things that I'm like, I don't know that were quite compatible, but I'm going to make this work because I have to, for whatever reason, I feel like I have to do it. So now I'm trying to take a step back and being like, okay, there are certain things that are really important to me. Like just for example, like the other person really has to love dogs, because I love dogs and I'm not going to get rid of them.
Felipa: And the other person, it's important to me that they like going out or they like doing things and activities, or they like to have fun. I mean, not all the time. It doesn't have to be like they say let's go out every day, but just having that position and that openness to understand different cultures that interest in the world and other people and other cultures. I think that's also important to me. And have I found it? Not quite. I don't...
Coach Varsha: Yeah.
Felipa: Yeah. Not necessarily. Yeah. And also, and I mentioned this earlier, but I moved. I was living in New York. I moved to Houston last year. And I think just politically that has also been a little bit of a challenge because as I said earlier, I don't need somebody who shares everything, every one of my beliefs, but I think I need somebody who has a certain amount of openness and understands. And I don't want that to be a struggle in my relationship or things, political issues that come up like racism and things like that. I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't believe in it or doesn't think it exists. And I mean, I think that has been also a little bit of an issue. And I think culturally, I really want somebody who respects my career and doesn't see me like a support person to whatever they want. And I think more than knowing what I want, I think that I know what I don't want. So I don't know if that's helpful enough to narrow it down.
Coach Varsha: It is. It's helpful for a couple of reasons. So a one quick little explanation on how I like to look at getting clarity on what it is that you want, I often recommend narrowing it down to three to five things and putting those things in columns. So what is that thing that you want? Column number one. Column number two, why is that so important to you? What moral or value is it attributed to that's going to make it important to you? And then in the third column, how are you going to actually determine that about a person outside of them just telling you that they have that value or moral? Because a lot of times everyone's like, I like to travel, I like dogs, I do community service, but actions speak louder than words. And oftentimes it's the things that we do together and that we experience together that actually has us seeing that.
Coach Varsha: And sometimes the things on our list are not relevant until we attribute them to that moral or the value. So because it might seem like it's about your dogs, but ultimately there's a bigger thing there that the dogs represent in your life that is more important to see if that person aligns with than technically dogs.
Felipa: Yeah.
Coach Varsha: That's just a hypothetical, but it's a place to look to go a little deeper. Now, I noticed you use the word boundaries.
Felipa: Yeah.
Coach Varsha: And I think that word is overused. So consider that with the right person you wouldn't need to draw lines. That it's actually possible to understand each other in the way where you get the person's needs, they get your needs. And boundaries is another example... That word in general is another example of coming from scarcity, a scarcity of feeling understood basically. On a higher level, we want to completely shift that experience and move you from scarcity and fear and into abundance and respect. And finally getting that thing you deserve, despite the circumstances of moving or somebody's cultural background, your own cultural background.
Felipa: That speaks to me a lot. I never actually thought about it that way. What are my values that I want to share with the other person? And yeah, definitely the boundary thing, I can definitely see how that comes from fear and just from past experiences where I feel like I have to be drawing lines all the time and I really would like to not have to even think about doing that. That sounds amazing.
Coach Varsha: Yeah. Exactly. And so we want to get you to a place where you're being open-minded enough that you're not letting good opportunities, good guys, pass you by, but not so much that you risk settling and compromising.
Felipa: Yeah. No, that's super helpful.
Lantigua: All right. Here's what we learned for from Coach Varsha.
Allow yourself to want things. It's okay to want what you want and you don't have to constantly give to be worthy of receiving.
Identify your underlying values. Reflect on the values and morals that are behind the things you want in a partner. This will help you figure out the deeper reasons for why something is important to you, and will help you be more open-minded about where and in whom you might find that.
And remember, abandon the scarcity mindset. Notice when your behavior is motivated by fear of losing what you have. Use this awareness to recalibrate and discover how you might show up in a relationship when you feel safe, loved, and secure.
Lantigua: Thank you, Coach Varsha! You are awesome, thank you for sharing your expertise with Felipa and with us. Listeners: You'll find a link to Coach Varsha's website in our show notes. So head on over there, learn more about her work as a dating and relationship coach. As always, thank you for listening and sharing us. How to Talk to [Mami & Papi] About Anything is an original production of LWC Studios. Virginia Lora is the show's producer. Kojin Tashiro is our mixer. Manuela Bedoya is our marketing lead. I'm the creator, Juleyka Lantigua. On Twitter and Instagram, we're at Talk to Mami Papi. Bye everybody. Same place next week. You'll find a link to Coach Varsha's website in our show notes and there you can learn more about her work as a dating and relationship coach. Thank you for listening and thank you for sharing us. How to Talk to [Mami & Papí] About Anything is an original production of LWC studios. Virginia Lora is the show's producer. Kojin Tashiro is our mixer. Manuela Bedoya is our marketing lead. I'm the creator, Juleyka Lantigua. On Twitter and Instagram, we're @talktomamipapi. Bye, everybody. Same place next week.
CITATION:
Lantigua, Juleyka, host. “Dating: Wanting This, Not That”
How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] About Anything,
LWC Studios., February 14, 2022. TalkToMamiPapi.com.