Last year Sasha talked to us about her younger sister’s suicide, and the impact her family’s unwillingness to talk about it had on her mental health. This time, she talks to Juleyka about speaking openly about her bipolar disorder, learning to say “no” as part of self-care, and using the movie Encanto to talk about her deceased sister with nieces and nephews who never met her.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline also offers 24/7 confidential support. Their number is 800-273-8255. If you loved this episode, listen to Sasha's original episode When a Sister Commits Suicide Part1, and Part 2.
We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to virginia@lwcstudios.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And follow us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
Juleyka Lantigua:
Hi, everybody. This week, we continue with our OG check-ins. Today, I'm checking in with original guest, Sasha. In her episode, as well as in this one, we talk about some really difficult topics including suicide. So please, please use your discretion as you listen, and feel free to skip the episode completely. We'll be back next week. Sasha's first episode aired in two parts on March 29th, 2021. Here's a clip.
Clip: We didn't really know how to break the news. So everybody that I called, I told them that she died of suicide, but when it came to speaking to the family and Sheila and to the family in Iran, we gave those calls to my parents. Both my parents, they both said that she had died in a car accident. They just lied to their families. And I think the lie in a way, it was easier for them to say to themselves maybe because of the stigma.
Lantigua: When we first met Sasha, she talked to us about her younger sister's Suedi's suicide, and how her family never talks about what happened. She also shared with us that this silence makes it really hard for her to talk openly about her own mental health challenges. For this OG check in, I wanted to know if Sasha had made any inroads with her parents and sisters. And if the topic ever came up with the younger members of her family. Let's get into it.
Sasha: I'm Sasha. I am a writer from Miami. I have got the Persian dad and a Chilean mom. I'm the eldest of four girls, and the youngest one died of suicide. That was the topic of our conversation last time about how my family doesn't talk about it, and how that's affected how I handle my own mental health.
Lantigua: So happy to have you here. We love talking to our OGs. How's life been?
Sasha: Life has actually been pretty good. I think I'm doing a lot better. Mental health wise, even exercising and stuff. So back to exercising, which is amazing.
Lantigua: So when you were on the show the first time, that was a really tough conversation for us, but it was such a good conversation because you broke a taboo by talking about something that a lot of us do not talk about. So what was it like for you after you and I had the conversation to then listen to your episode?
Sasha: I thought I felt fine, but when I was listening to it, I could hear the emotion in my voice, and in a way it made me sort of more emotional listening to it. And it took me a little while to listen to part two. But once I listened to the speaker, Blanca Amaya, she did such an amazing job of calmly explaining about mental illness, about suicide, about the ways in which the stigma, especially in the Latin and middle Eastern community and how that affects how we talk about it. I felt so much better after listening to her.
Lantigua: Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. What has changed for you since we last spoke in terms of acceptance, in terms of grief, in terms of how your family and you talk about this, or don't talk about this?
Sasha: Last summer I went to visit my sister in Gainesville. And I noticed that she had some of the paintings that my deceased sister, Suedi, had painted. She was an artist. And I commented on them. And I said to my nephew, "What do you think about these paintings from your tia Suedi?" He looked at me and then he put his hands around his mouth and he whispered, "We don't talk about tia Suedi." And I was horrified. And then my sister just kind of shrugged, and she said, "It's not that we don't talk about her. It's that sometimes I cry and he doesn't like it when I cry." But kids, they sort of come up with questions and you answer them at the time. And it might be months later before they ask another question about it.
Lantigua: Yeah.
Sasha: So I'm kind of taking it at his queue and seeing how he comes back to it. I was hoping that when Encanto came out that we could talk about it. And I made a joke that we don't talk about Bruno is really, we don't talk about Suedi and no one in my family laughed, but the kids all love the movie. So I figured as they ask questions, I can answer them. All I can do really is be as honest to them and as honest to myself as I can be.
Sasha: But I think that the biggest change, and I did want to like throw this out there is that I was on medication for my bipolar disorder. And I feel like this happens a lot to people who are mentally ill, is that they put us on a medication and we feel better for a while, and then we kind of plateau. I mentioned it to a psychiatrist and she's like, "You don't actually have to feel that way." So we actually did a series of experiments on different medications. And we found one where I actually feel good 95% of the time.
Lantigua: Okay. So did you and your family talk through that process of you realizing, "This isn't working for me," trying out different things and then landing on something that did actually work for you?
Sasha: Not per se. We didn't talk about it during the process. I did talk about it afterwards about how I've been feeling. That I'm sad that it took me 20 years of not taking medication or taking medication that didn't work. And so I have mentioned to them that I feel great. They've been very supportive and saying they're glad that I feel better, but they haven't quite asked me specifics. So I'll sometimes volunteer information that, "Oh, I'm on a mood stabilizer, and so I'm really good about things right now," or they just sort of tacitly accept them without commenting.
Sasha: And I feel like that's progress in a way, because at least they're absorbing the news as opposed to absorbing it and then spitting it back out. And one of my sisters, her daughter is autistic, and she was saying that there's a lot of stigma against having autism. And I think she's coming around more to the idea that things need to be talked about. So I think it's allowing her to see some parallels, and I feel like that's been a big improvement as well.
Lantigua: So I want to go back to what you said about learning to take care of yourself. Because a lot of the time, what our experts end up basically saying to people is, "Take care of yourself first and then worry about other people," right? So how else besides this new medicine regimen, how else are you taking care of yourself?
Sasha: Beyond the medication, I've also been seeing a therapist that has been really helpful. I used to be very active in sports and in exercise, like soccer, Pilates, that kind of thing. And I fell out of it for a really long time because I was very depressed. And now I'm back in Pilates, I'm doing strength training. I do yoga, saying no to things.
Lantigua: Yes. Preach.
Sasha: Oh, my God. And that's something that I also have a hard time with. I always find myself like, "Oh, of course I can help you with such and such thing." At work or at home, someone recently said they wanted me to help edit something. And I said, "Sure, of course." And then I was like, "Actually I don't have time."
Lantigua: Nice.
Sasha: So it's learning to say no. It's working on some writing, which has been fantastic. Just making time to sit for two hours and write because it feels therapeutic, and I can just get my thoughts out. Walking has been really therapeutic. It's not walking for exercise so much as it's walking to just sort of clear my head and that feels fantastic.
Lantigua: Wow. This all sounds phenomenal, but I want to get into a little bit about the next generation in your family because that anecdote that you shared at the beginning is really powerful about your nephew kind of gasping and going, "Oh, we don't talk about Suedi," right? And then your sister kind of likes saying, "Well, we don't talk about it because he gets sad that I'm sad." When in fact the onus is on the adult, right? To set the tone for how these things are handled. Do you think that it is going to be as difficult with this next generation, nieces and nephews? Do you think that you've helped or other people have helped to lay a groundwork for them to be able to enter into these difficult conversations about your sister's suicide?
Sasha: I think a lot about how my sisters are raising their children. I am not a mother I'm coming at it from our childhood perspective, where we didn't talk about these things.
Lantigua: Yeah.
Sasha: I feel like my sisters are both much more open than my parents in terms of talking about things like our bodies, or one of the things that's come up recently is gun control because my nephew is the same age as a lot of the children from Uvalde.
Lantigua: Yes.
Sasha: So that is something that he has been asking questions about. So I think that by being open, we can probably get to a place where we can talk about my sister's suicide. It's hard because they're really young. My nephew is nine, and he's the eldest. And then we've got six, four and two. So it's not the six year olds or the four year olds or even the two year old know anything about our sister because they're too young to grasp that there were four of us.
Lantigua: Right.
Sasha: But I think that as we get older or as they get older, there might be more questions. And then we can talk about it in ways that are age appropriate. I think a lot about saying things like the brain is an organ that can get sick, just like the pancreas, just like a kidney. And if we don't shame a diabetic for taking insulin, we would not shame someone for taking medication for their brain. And I feel like when I'm explaining it to my nieces and nephews, I can say, "We didn't know.
Sasha: If we had known, and if we had known better, we could have done more. But that's why it's important to talk about it and to look for help because now that we know, we can do more to prevent other people from feeling this shame." And being open with them about my own mental health, so that if they feel at any point that they have depression or anxiety, we can have those conversations. And I don't think my sisters would be averse to helping their children if that was the path.
Lantigua: Wow. They're so lucky that you're their auntie, honestly.
Sasha: Yeah, I love being a tia.
Lantigua: They're so lucky because it's so important to have a safe adult who is not your parent. It's great when it's your parent also, but it's such a good outlet. I'm the oldest auntie, tía in my family.
And my nieces and nephews are still too young to be having very complex conversations, but already you see the signs and I'm so gratified by it that they know that they can confide in me, and that they know that they can tell me anything, even silly things that are just funny.
And so I really commend you for elevating that role in your family for yourself. And hopefully, your nieces and nephews will see that as they get older, that you are that place where, where they can be safe, where there's room to talk about all of the things that need to be talked about.
Sasha: Yeah. I think that being an aunt is probably the greatest pleasure of my life right now. And I'm really hopeful about... My dad always would say that we needed to stand on his shoulders because we would know better than him. And I feel like that's the same with my nieces and nephews. That we're building and they should go up.
Lantigua: Agreed. So good to talk to you. Thank you for coming back.
Sasha: Oh, thank you again for having me.
Lantigua: Sasha's original episode is called, When a Sister Commits Suicide. It's in two parts. The first one is her testimonial. The second one is my conversation with an expert.
You can find both episodes in our feed and on our website. We've also linked to them in the episode notes.
The national suicide prevention lifeline offers free and confidential support, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Just call (800) 273-8255 that's (800) 273-8255. It's free, confidential, and available 24/7.
Thank you for listening, and thank you for sharing us. How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] about Anything is an original production of LWC Studios. Virginia Lora is the producer, Kojin Tashiro is our mixer, Manuela Bedoya is our marketing lead. I'm the creator, Juleyka Lantigua. On Twitter and Instagram, we're @talktomamipapi. Bye everybody, same place next week.
CITATION:
Lantigua, Juleyka, host. “OG Check-in: OG Check-in: Breaking the Family's Silence Around Suicide” How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] about Anything, LWC Studios., August 1, 2022. TalkToMamiPapi.com.