Last year, Chai told us about her mom’s efforts to find her a husband through Indian matrimonial websites. In this candid follow-up, she updates Juleyka on her dating life, and reflects on how a surprising diagnosis really helped both her and her mom understand Chai, and what she needs in a partner.
If you loved this episode, listen to Chai's original episode Arranged Marriage, No Thanks, Mom. Our four-episode series with on dating and relationships Chai's original episode inspired starts with Dating, But Not To Get Married.
We’d love to hear your stories of triumph and frustration so send us a detailed voice memo to virginia@lwcstudios.com. You might be on a future episode! Let’s connect on Twitter and Instagram at @TalkToMamiPapi and email us at hello@talktomamipapi.com. And follow us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and anywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.
Juleyka Lantigua:
Hi, everybody. This week, we continue with our series of OG check-ins. Today. I'm talking with OG Chai whose original episode aired on September 27th, 2021. Here's a clip.
Chai: In Indian culture, we have something called matrimonial websites. It's kind of like a dating site that's arranged by your parents. My mom set up a profile for me. She scoped out a few candidates. I'm not going to lie. I didn't like 95% of them, but my mom is just, Indian parents do a lot of this is emotional blackmail, just like, "Oh, I raised you. I did so much for you. You can't even just go on one date for me." So she kind of used a little bit of that. So I was like, all right I'll go on one date for you.
Lantigua: When Chai first came on the show, she talked to us about her mom's traditional efforts to find her a husband and about how very different their ideas are in terms of what she should be looking for in said husband. For this OG check in, I wanted to know how her dating life was going and whether she's actually found someone or maybe her mom found someone. I was so curious also because I was hoping her mom would have come around and at least began to understand what Chai was looking for in a romantic relationship. Let's get into it.
Chai: So my name is Chai Balasubramanyam and I go by Chai Bala. I live in Columbus, Ohio, and the first time I came here, I had written a blog post on Brown Girl magazine about how my mom had set me up on an arranged marriage date and how interesting it was, to put it nicely.
Lantigua: So how was it listening to your episode after it aired?
Chai: After I listened to my episode, one thing that I found really interesting was looking back and listening to kind of the trajectory of how my mom actually felt about my dating and what she thought was important for me, and realizing that wow like my mom and I really didn't see eye to eye on dating and we didn't see eye to eye on what's important in a partner. So being able to listen to that was like, wow, this, this really did happen.
Lantigua: So, I mean, you probably, if you kept listening, you realize that later on, we developed an entire series on relationships because there was so much to unpack thanks to you coming forward and talking about the pressures from your mom and the cultural differences in how you're both approaching essentially the same goal. You do have a goal to be married. She also has a goal of you to be married, but the approaches are just so different and-
Chai: Absolutely.
Lantigua: That series was so successful for us because there were so many people, including me, who are going through different stages of romantic relationships. And so thank you for inspiring us.
Chai: No problem at all. Thank you. It's an honor.
Lantigua: Has anything significant changed since you and I last spoke in your dating life? I mean, don't drop a bomb and tell me you're engaged, because I don't know how I would.
Chai: Now you'd have to start a whole new series about engagement. Exactly. You know, I will say this I'm still single, but one thing that has changed for the better is that my mom is off my back a little bit about how chemistry comes about, chemistry, spark, all of those things are still very complicated things. And even between the same generation, even amongst my own peers, it's so difficult to talk about attraction versus chemistry. Like I might say this guy's attractive, but I don't feel that attraction. And it's like, what do you mean? Aren't they the same thing? No.
Chai: It's like to kind of take that to a different generation and you know, someone who doesn't like, she never fell in love or had a spark. So it's hard. And she still doesn't get it really. But she's trying to understand. And the best way I've tried to kind of make her understand is okay think about your favorite Indian dessert. Think about eating like a barfi halvava. Okay. When you think about eating it, how does it make you feel inside? How does it? You like you crave it, you yearn for it, right? She's like, yeah. Think about feeling that way about a man. And she's like, okay. And I'm like, that's exactly how I need to feel in order to keep it going.
Lantigua: I love this analogy so much.
Chai: Everyone out there, all desi folks out there, worse comes to works. Think of your mom's favorite meetha and just use that as an analogy.
Lantigua: Because then you can also get her to think about, well, what if somebody wanted to give you one, that's just not as good and say, this is the only one you can have for the rest of your life, knowing that there's this other amazing one that you have enjoyed before, right? Oh my God.
Chai: Right, exactly.
Lantigua: So I'm curious, did you have your mom listen to the episode?
Chai: I told her about the episode and she listened to part of it and she just was like, oh, so you're just out here trash talking to me. I see how it is. And she, yeah, she didn't listen to the whole episode. She was disappointed in me that I'm like ousting her. And actually, I don't know if you've heard of the Indian matchmaker show on Netflix. So I even was like, hey, mom let's watch this show together. And so she was watching that show and she even started crying. She was like, you're going to end up like these kids on the show, not marrying anybody. So she's not very receptive to like watching or listening to any of these things. We're we're slowly getting there. We're slowly getting there.
Lantigua: Wow. So is she still really actively trying to set you up on dates and finding matches for you?
Chai: Yeah, actually most recent development, there was this attractive guy that actually he lives in Cleveland, Ohio and software engineer. He checks all the boxes.
Lantigua: Right. I was going to say he fits the profile.
Chai: Yeah. I mean, he seemed like a really cool guy. Like he loves hiking, he loves adventures and everything. And he looks attractive, but he's on a project in Germany and Romania. So he's probably not going to be back in America for the next nine months. So I told my mom, I don't see myself like talking to him on Zoom for nine months. She was like, he's such a good match otherwise. I'm like, yeah but there's so many guys that actually live here, too, that I could be talking to. So there is a little bit of friction in those areas. Like, she's kind of like, why can't you just talk on Zoom? You're still communicating with them. It's like, it's not even just about like about the physical aspect of a relationship, but it's also like we're in each other's homes. We see how each other lives, living through life together. Those are things that you don't get through a digital experience. And so she doesn't-
Lantigua: It's so important to experience people you're getting to know in different environments.
Chai: Absolutely.
Lantigua: Even as simple as how are you on a long drive versus getting on the metro, right? Those are two different experiences and people might be different through those two experiences. Okay. So let me ask you a sensitive question. Is your mom only open to you marrying an Indian man?
Chai: She's actually gotten so much better about that. Why? I'll tell you why. Because other people in my community are out here marrying white men, marrying Black and Korean men. So like, my mom was like, oh, okay. So like other Indian people are doing it. Like let's remember India's such a collective culture. Everybody's looking to see what everyone else is doing. So now that she has that social proof that everybody else is doing it, she's like totally cool with that. Of course, he still has to be like a lawyer, doctor, engineer, something successful.
Chai: So here's kind of what's going on. What's going on is I am a very inconsistent person. I go through my bouts where I'm like for this month, I'm kind of feeling like dating. So I'll be dating around that time. But then I'll go through like a hibernation period where I don't feel like dating anymore. So then during that time, my mom is kind of like on my butt, like, okay, well since you're not doing your job, let me help you out. And the only way I know to help you out is through these arranged marriage profiles. So that's kind of what ends up happening.
Lantigua: Woo. Your mom is on our mission.
Chai: Oh my God.
Lantigua: Okay. So what else is happening in your life that you're happy about? Because you always give me the impression that you're just really self-satisfied, like you are happy generally with how things are going, which is part of why you don't feel this pressure. What else is happening?
Chai: Well, I'll tell you something, this is something that's, it's very personal, but it's also something that I feel will inform a lot of things. I actually found out recently that I have ADHD. And from a brown person standpoint, this is something that for the longest time I suspected, my parents actually suspected I might have it. And teachers had teachers tell my parents we think she might have ADHD as a child. And they were like our child doesn't have a disability. We're not going to, so they didn't want to acknowledge that. So they never took me in.
Chai: And I recently found out that I have this and it's been kind of, it's been really cool to like understand why I have so many different hobbies. I'm always hyper fixated on something. I'm really into like so many different things. And I'm into so many different hobbies that that realization has kind of taken up a huge part of the last part of this year. Just kind of navigating that and making sense of that and just kind of like embracing that, also embracing what, all the different aspects of who I am that it brings. In addition to, I guess, relationships, so-
Lantigua: So wait, I need to ask. How did your mom respond or have you shared that you've been officially diagnosed now?
Chai: Yeah, I did. I did share that with her. And I actually, you know what to kind of tie it back to the relationship thing I explained to her, this is why I'm always shifting. I'm like a chameleon a lot of times. This is why it's hard for me to like find the right person that kind of can kind of go through those motions with me. She started crying and she actually apologized. She was like I should have known this-
Lantigua: Wait, wait, wait, she what? She cried and she apologized?
Chai: She actually apologized. And she took ownership that I didn't realize that this would have such an impact on so many aspects of your life. And had I known that this would also affect your relationships, I would've taken you in when you were five years old and your preschool teacher said, I think your daughter has ADHD. Oh yeah. Like it, yeah.
Lantigua: As a mom, I just want to hug her right now because I'm sure she felt like she failed you in a very meaningful way because it's our job as your moms. It's our job to make sure that you are equipped with everything you need to be happy, healthy, and successful. And for her to not have heeded the advice and for her to have, let you basically go through your entire life, not understanding something so essential about who you are. Oh, Amma wherever you are, I'm sending you a hug. Big, big hug.
Chai: No, honestly, I thank you so much for that, Juleyka, because in a way it also made me understand the whole complexity of everything that, even though it would've been better overall for me, she feared that it would make me look bad.
Lantigua: That's a huge thing. Of course.
Chai: Exactly. On the other end, she's like she wants me to have the best life that she knows from her prescriptive existence that that's the right way to live, being married, having a child. And I can't fault her for that either. So it's like and, but then she's coming here and she's realizing all these things connect, who you are, your brain informs all of your interests, your interpersonal relationships. It's yeah. It's her whole journey.
Lantigua: Oh my God. First of all, I also want to give you your flowers because this is a major discovery and for you to be so poised and graceful and to see and appreciate it for what it is. I mean, honestly, I'm so proud of you. I'm so, so proud of you right now.
Chai: Thank you. That's so nice to hear. And it's one of those things where you think, man, like, I'm different, but at the same time it comes with its quirks, but also comes with its special its specialness. So it's like, you got to just got to kind of embrace it from whatever it is and you know, and however it impacts my relationships. At least now I have that knowledge to share up front, to be able to say, hey, listen, are you down for the ride? Because-
Lantigua: It's going to get bumpy.
Chai: But it's like-
Lantigua: I know I love that. No, but it's true though. It's absolutely true. And the thing is that now you can really take care of yourself in the best possible way.
Chai: Exactly.
Lantigua: And be your best self in your relationships.
Chai: Yes.
Lantigua: This is like unlocking a secret code. Oh my gosh, Chai. I'm so happy you came back. Thank you for sharing that.
Chai: Thank you so much. I've so happy to be back-
Lantigua: Chai's episode is called arranged marriage, no, thanks mom. You can find it in our feed and on our website. In the episode notes, you find links to Chai's original episode, as well as to the dating and relationship series she inspired. Thank you for listening and thank you for sharing us. How to talk to mami and papi about anything is an original production of LWC studios. Virginia Lora is the show's producer, Kojin Tashiro is our mixer. Manuela Bedoya is our marketing lead. I'm the creator Juleyka Lantigua. On Twitter and Instagram, we're @talktomamipapi. Bye, everybody. Same place next week.
CITATION:
Lantigua, Juleyka, host. “OG Check-in: OG Check-in: Getting Mom to Understand Her Modern Dating Needs.”
How to Talk to [Mamí & Papí] about Anything,
LWC Studios., August 8, 2022. TalkToMamiPapi.com.